Last week I wrote about my marriage (click here to read that) and asked for pointers on getting more connected to the man I share my life with and have been friends with for over half my life. I really appreciate all of you who shared your thoughts. I’m condensing them here and hitting the highlights.
“I advise you treat your marriage sacred like God intended and be grateful for what you have versus what you don’t, and definitely keep your marriage issues private between you, God and your husband…Good luck, you two will be in my prayers!”
My vote is that you go back to that therapist and start where you are at this moment. If an intersection is blocked, walking around drinking coffee and holding hands will not clear the path–although, walking and holding hands are excellent ways to approach the de-construction.
Remember that marriage is a call to teach God’s love to the foreign culture we call our husband. Sometimes i have to step back and try to figure out how to relate to him. Sometimes I have to step back and give him room. What helps most of all is to remember the good times and try to get him to do the same. “Remember when we met?” is a good starter.
…we actually just started communicating better when I got ill. We threw everything right out on the table for one another, no matter how bad or heartbreaking it was. That night showed us how much we actually love and care about each other.
It’s little things that matter. Take some time each day to show him you appreciate him. Maybe set up a regular date so you guys can connect. Sharing a cup of coffee in the morning or allowing a half hour of uninterrupted time for each other in the evening.
You remember what drew you to him in the first place. Oh, and going to the beach is nice, if not, go for a long walk…..without kids.
Kiss. 15 seconds, no less every day. Even if you don’t want to. Carve out fifteen minutes of alone time together. Even if it is a walk or a coffee. I constantly feel disconnected with so many kids and a full time job, and my husbands PTSD. It is a struggle….but!!! When something is as important as marriage you do everything to keep it from being tarnished—you polish it every day.
Here’s what happened after that post. I started thinking there were steps I could follow to fix our marriage. I also started searching for that feeling of re-connection and happiness from him which led to some creepy neediness from me. It felt horrible. I don’t want to do THAT to me or him again. I’m sure I’ll slip up and end up there from time to time, but I sure as heck hope I catch it sooner than I did this past week. He lovingly saw me through it but we’re both exhausted and it didn’t make us feel any more connected.
Anyway, here’s what I ultimately learned and know to be true from my little visit to CRAZY TOWN.
No amount of kind words or thoughtful actions on either of our parts will fix anything or make the other person feel complete or loved. Those activities are nice and should be done daily, but we both have to do the work of being completely happy and whole on our own to enjoy a happy healthy relationship, free of neediness, grudges, finger pointing, or guilt and shame.
The ONLY thing either one of us can do is DO OUR BEST each day to work on ourselves and be nice to our partner. We’ve agreed that this is the best course of action, doing our best, which made me think about The Four Agreements because the fourth agreement is Always Do Your Best.
Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
I’ve decided to give away a copy of the book in January to a member of the POWERFUL Woman community (The P-dub Hub.) To become an official member of the community and be entered into each month’s give away automatically, just fill in the form below.
Goodnight and good luck from the Kentucky Lottery!
Wait! That’s the wrong sign off. Let me try again.
My name is Sarah Boucher and I approve this message.
Join below!!! I’m throwing in a little something besides the book as well. I just haven’t decided what yet 🙂