Category Archives: Journal Entries

I Went Crazy

This time last year, my life didn’t look much different than it does now. Our family was in the middle of a move, as we are now. I was settling into my job as a temp in a factory, making friends, and weighing every single possible educational/career option for my future during those long 12 hour shifts.

This time last year, I wrote a blog post about moving on. I declared that as we left our physical space, I was leaving my relationship baggage behind. We were starting fresh in a new home. We were going to be okay.

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While no one was watching, I grabbed a few of those “bags.” After a couple of months, I began searching through the contents. I pulled out an unresolved issue, waved it around, and then stuffed it back in the bag. A few weeks later, I pulled out another issue and went through the same routine. I have in fact spent the last year trying to divorce my husband. It’s become our joke. Before I leave for work, Jason will often ask, “Are you going to want to divorce me when you get home?”

I love joking around with Jason. The material from our lives over the last decade gives us both a ton of comedic material to pull from. I hope we always laugh with each other.

I recently read Love Warrior. One of the mantras the author applied to her life during a MAJOR transition was DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING.

Love Warrior | Making Decisions |

When Jason and I separated in 2012, I did NOT do the next right thing.

I did MOST OF THE THINGS you aren’t supposed to do in a separation. I broke common sense rules. I’m still so shocked by my actions.

When I came to my senses, I went on a mission to figure out where I went wrong. Where had my brain disappeared to in the months that followed the separation?

In my search, I got together with a couple of single women who appeared to have handled the transition better than I had. I was ready to learn.

“Are you acting…crazy?” one of them asked in a playful manner.

“YES!”

“Go to Barnes and Noble RIGHT NOW and get the book, Crazy Time. I’ve read it more than once.”

I did as I was instructed. I didn’t make it to the end of the book, but the beginning was about losing it, in one way or another, and how some people SNAP completely and go on to kill their exes or commit suicide…or both. I sure am glad I didn’t reach SNAP level crazy, just super poor decision making skills level crazy.

Why don’t people talk about this more?! It’s like we’ve all secretly agreed to not talk about this CRAZY TIME and other traumatic events and big feelings that follow.

Well thanks a lot people! I could’ve used the warning.

Consider this post your warning from me.

As you might imagine, a year of waving around those unresolved issues and living in limbo has taken its toll on both of us. It hasn’t all been bad. It never was. We’ve had more than enough happy moments to replace all of the bad ones.

So what happens next?

I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen, because plans change regularly around here, but as a family, we’re headed in a direction where healthy and happy is the goal for all seven of us. In the meantime, I have the opportunity to DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING daily. I think I’ll print that out and hang it everywhere, just in case I forget.

Taking action | decision making | Love Warrior | Crazy Time

Thanks for reading!

I happily encourage women to grow in their power daily at I Am A Powerful Woman. Come join the conversation there.

If you’re struggling or dealing with a loved one in pain, check out What Every Person Can Do.  It’s incredibly affordable.  12 weeks of support for what 1 hour of counseling would cost!  But…and I know this firsthand, even reasonably priced is not an option sometimes, so don’t write this off. Partial and full scholarships are available for those that need them and are serious about going through the work.

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Pardon Me While I Bleed

I Am A Powerful WomanMy writer friend, Caroline Madison recently shared her opinion about transparency in writing memoirs.

“The truth is hard sometimes, but steering clear of it, walking on eggshells because it’s easier than turning the tides and moving forward, is a cop out.”

I have to tell you, I’ve been a little shocked by some of the personal details Brave Caroline shares, like her parents’ flaws or struggles in her marriage.  “I could NEVER write that!” I’ve thought.

I feel a strong desire to protect everyone; my kids, my husband, my parents, my secrets, and to keep your opinion of me solid, that is if your opinion of me is a good one.

One reason I can’t write openly is because I don’t want to spark a debate.  This pertains mostly to thoughts on religion and God.  I really just want you to agree with everything I write and say, “Me too,” or, “Well said,” so I barely say anything at all, to stay in favor with you.

Ernest Hemingway (who I initially loathed, but on further reflection have decided to cut him a little slack, what with him being human and all) wrote, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

Caroline Madison bleeds when she writes.  Elizabeth Gilbert bleeds when she writes.  Glennon Doyle Melton BLEEDS when she writes.

I stay away from all sharp objects.  I can’t afford to bleed and that’s why my writing and my posts have been as dull as plastic knives in a Little Tikes kitchen.

I join the tens of critics (family members and Facebook friends who I imagine shudder every time I put myself out there with a new post or a silly video) in wondering what exactly it is that I’m up to in the world.  Why do I keep embarrassing myself?

I don’t even know.  I’ve lost sight of the reason.  I’ve lost my passion, my vision.  I’ve become lukewarm in almost every area of my life.  I am a freaking people pleaser and I’m getting less and less okay with that (except I still want everyone to like me.)

I’m hiding behind so many layers that I can’t even find myself these days.

So bare with me, while I attempt to peel back these layers, rediscover my passion, and begin to bleed.

Does anybody have a band-aid?

Glennon Doyle Melton, courage, Love Warrior

Thanks for reading!  Also, my little blurb at the bottom of the post has been updated, so please read. Thanks again!

If you’re struggling or dealing with a loved one in pain, check out What Every Person Can Do.  It’s incredibly affordable.  12 weeks of support for what 1 hour of counseling would cost!  But…and I know this firsthand, even reasonably priced is not an option sometimes, so don’t write this off. Partial and full scholarships are available for those that need them and are serious about going through the work.  I’m creating a private Facebook group for anyone wishing to go through this online program starting in October.  I’ll be going through it again too! We’ll have a safe space to share and discuss what we’re taking in.  If you have questions for me, you can get in touch with me here.

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Comparing Apples to Giraffes

Thank YOUfor being a friend!

I’m on overload today.  My thoughts are a jumble of indistinguishable whatnots. I feel overwhelmed by the should do’s and want to’s.  After having read a couple of wonderfully written articles, I feel deeply moved and am further questioning what I’m up to in life.

Earlier this morning, I was torturing myself by comparing my life and talents with everyone I hold on a pedestal, which is pretty much everyone but me…I promise that I DO love myself.  I’m growing as a person, but it’s taking FOREVER.  I feel like I should be further along in the process than I am.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

One thought I had while comparing myself to one such POWERFUL woman friend who went back to school a few years ago and is wrapping up her first year of teaching, was to get my butt off the sidelines and join her in the action…whatever that looks like for me.  It could be the decision to pour myself into my family and let go of any other dreams.

20160327_124059-1The family dream is a beautiful dream in and of itself and worthy of every minute of my time.  I admire women who run their homes so well, regardless of where they work both in and out of the home.  Maybe it looks like going back to school or doing what I’ve already been trained to do by stepping out of my comfort zone (that’s full of excuses) and offering to tell people about What Every Person Can Do.  Maybe it’s a combination and I haven’t hit on the right mix yet.

It feels like decision time and there’s no wrong decision, except indecision. I can ALWAYS change my mind at any time and pick a new route.  I don’t have to have everything figured out.

I am creating my life one day at a time.  We all are.

While I’m figuring out what my next move is, I want to share with you these two articles that touched my heart today.  They are both about how we belong to each other and full of moving and powerful quotes and they are located below my post.

When you’re done reading the articles, I would love to know what you think about them. Did they move you too or was that just me?  Do you relate to life being brutiful? Do you want to save all the kids?  Please share your thoughts.

Thanks for reading and discussing!

Much love,

Sarah B


 

Life Is Hard But They Are Brave
we ache

“Heartache is a signal to you that you’ve stumbled upon something worthy of your life. Do not run, do not turn away: follow your heartbreak. The broken road is the road less traveled. Take it, walk it, it will make all the difference. Everything beautiful starts with a broken heart.” Glennon Doyle Melton

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From Chris Morris

chris morris

“Sometimes you need to believe in people, even if the cost seems too high. Because the real cost of not believing in people is huge.” -Chris Morris

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Dream A Little Dream

Once upon a time there was a woman, not a girl because 37 year olds are women, even though she still felt very much like a girl some days.  This girl, I mean woman spent 4 years spilling over with positivity and hope for a brighter future for her family and all people everywhere.  She got tired of being positive all the time.  She quit dreaming and went to work in a peanut butter and jelly factory where the rest of her creativity and positivity was squelched entirely.  THE END

PSYCH!

This woman went to work in a peanut butter and jelly factory, the PERFECT job for any mommy, making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  (Oh yeah, sorry for that crust on your kids uncrusted sandwich.) She went to work and she kept right on dreaming.  She dreamed of working an extra day a week and all the ways she could spend that money on her kids or watching the savings add up.  She dreamed of going back to school.  She dreamed of volunteering on her days off.  She’d always wanted to do some volunteer work.  She dreamed of making a cozy home for her family.  She dreamed of baking and doing art projects with her girls on the weekend.  She dreamed of reading to those little girls at bedtime.  She dreamed of writing more than once every 3 months.  She dreamed of preparing a meal other than spaghetti to impress her husband, the primary dinner maker.  She dreamed of grocery store trips and special time out with one child a week, even the grown one.  She dreamed of eating healthy.  She dreamed of date nights.  She dreamed of working with her mentor full time.  She dreamed up a few non-profit organizations and imagined the women and children benefiting from their services.  She dreamed of confidence and the right words to say at the right time.  She dreamed of making people laugh, especially her husband and kids.  She dreamed of road trips and vacations and freedom.  Yes, she was a dreamer and she was also a doer, even though she didn’t give herself enough credit for the doing that she did, after all she was just one girl…I mean woman.  She felt like she was all dreams, no action.  She reminded herself that she couldn’t possibly do all of those things at once, but she could do some of them.  

She dreamed up an idea to encourage women on Facebook because she was overflowing with enthusiasm when she learned that she could create her life, that she had more POWER than she ever dreamed possible.  She created the page and started posting.  It was just like Field of Dreams.  She built it and they came and she was so grateful for their presence and mutual encouragement.  

Keep dreaming friends but don’t stop there.  Pick a dream and RUN WITH IT!  I’ll do the same.  I’m picking the cozy home dream today.  It’s ANYTHING BUT at the moment.  I’ve got my day’s work cut out for me.   




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Take Action! Mother Teresa Did!

It was time to take action!
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

An excerpt from my journal two years ago.  This was the turning point in my life–when I finally decided it was okay to be me and that it was time to take action.

February 8, 2010

I have too many thoughts racing through this mind of mine.

Is it wrong to pursue your dreams or are we supposed to live quiet lives doing the work of Jesus?

I know that success is measured differently.  A lot of people measure success by “stuff:”  How big your stuff is, the amount of stuff you have, being well known, and what mark you’ve made.  Others measure success by the goodness of a person:  she was such a servant, she was such a hard worker, she shared with others, she was a good…

My goal has never been to be the most well known this or that person but we all have dreams of greatness.  I read today on Steve Chandler’s website that some people choose to play it safe and never “do” anything so they will never fail.  His view and that of James Barrie is that the most successful people are failures.

My struggle has for years been is it wrong to strive for something that doesn’t seem to have a holier purpose or is it a waste of time?  Is Blue Cotton a “waste” of time?  What is holy about the business of t-shirt printing?  God has used that business to bless many families.  Does everything under the sun have to have a divine “purpose?”  Are we all selling ourselves short?  I am more and more under the opinion that God made every person creative.  He gave us gifts and we shouldn’t be afraid to use them?

I have chosen to be a stay at home mom.  I’m not very good at it and it shows.  My husband is worried, my in-laws are worried, and my mother who has always been supportive is worried.  I love home schooling.  At the same time, I have dreams upon dreams.  Dreams of volunteer work, t-shirt sales, photography business, writing, motivational speaking to women and teenagers, dreams of real estate, and living in a house shaped like a foot, dreams of living outside the box.  Dreams that will not let me be.

There is the “prosperity gospel” that some Christians embrace and others think is hogwash.  Maybe there is a balance in there somewhere.

Take Action! Mother Teresa Did!

My big thought for the day is whether someone is a Mother Theresa or a Donald Trump, a Joel Osteen, a Madonna, or a Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar–whether a person is famous for wealth or well known in a community for good deed doing–all of these people are doers.  They all took action at some point.  They may never have had lofty goals of wealth and fame but they are recognized because they are people of action.  Anyone we may admire, we admire because they did something.  They adopted a child or children, they worked with broken marriages, they wrote an inspirational book, they lived out their faith in spite of ridicule, they lived selflessly.  That Mother Theresa–did she ever!  But SHE TOOK ACTION!!!  She was a nurse, a teacher, a nun.  She made decisions and SHE ACTED.

I am going to use success tools to be the best I can be at the job I have chosen.  It may look foolish.  I am going to challenge myself to be more than just a loving mom and wife.  I am going to learn how to use my time wisely and serve those God has placed in my life.  I am going to practice photography and writing.  I am going to one day motivate other women to be able to stand on their own, to be women of joy, to not struggle and be weighed down by worry.  I am going to motivate my children to be successful people.  They will love God first and as a result make good choices for their life.  First, I have to figure out how to stand on my own, to believe in myself, to do the things I want to do, to create what I want to create not to be a creature of reaction.  I will do these things if God allows me to do them.  My first priority is to my family.

Steve Chandler says the people that think about money the most are those without any.  It is so true.  I am tired of going without.  I have lived the quiet and humble life.  I want to be pleasing to God but I don’t think stifling the passion he gave me is pleasing to him at all.  I was meant for action!  I will take action! I wish everyone could see the condition of my home at this writing.  They would laugh and say, “You are going to do these things?  Ha–Good luck!”

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