Here it is the middle of May. Life is a bit of blur for me these days.
I’ve shared that I’ve been struggling to “find” happiness consistently over the last year and a half. Jason and I are officially separated. Having been through it once, I thought it was going to be easy this time around. No big emotions.
Boy, was I wrong! For 4 years we’d been attempting to put back together a marriage that’d been severely damaged for 10. Back in September, we decided together to let this 19 year journey together die. We continued living under the same roof until the beginning of this month when he moved into his new home. Four days later, Jason and Amelia were in a serious car wreck and OH MY GOODNESS! did I take an even bigger hit to the well being groin. Not sure where that’s located, but it sure did hurt.
Here I sit in the middle of the chaos, trying to decide my next move.
I’ve done a great deal of thinking about perfectionism (which despite my disdain for it, I still find that I’m holding myself to its unattainable standard), low self esteem (which I truly believed I’d conquered, but realized the other day I need to go back and re-learn how to love myself right where I am), loneliness (and how to deal with that beast), finances (the lack thereof and how to get more in a way that is emotionally satisfying), friendship, guilt (how to let go and move forward), and a host of other topics all of which I want to discuss right now, but I won’t.
Reflecting on the lack of joy/well being I feel these days, it occurred to me that when I wake up each morning, I’m falling into my days. I’m not being present. I’m not being mindful each day of the fact that life is fragile, even after an accident that was an inch or two off from ending in fatalities, had Jason not hit the tree head on.
When I have lived like this day might be my last day, I felt lighter emotionally, not weighed down by worry, fear, loneliness, hopelessness. I felt immeasurable love in my heart not only for my family, but for perfect strangers (WHAT A GOOD SHOW THAT WAS!) I wanted to LOVE the entire world. I didn’t take life personally. I just went about my day with a smile on my face and when life threw a curveball at me, I thought, “Oh well. I’ll be fine or I won’t. No sense in worrying.”
TODAY COULD BE MY LAST DAY.
It’s a morbid thought, but some day it WILL BE my very last chance to live a day. Living like today is it, gives each day a sense of purpose. I’ve actually been less afraid of dying when I’ve lived like I might kick the bucket tomorrow and that’s HUGE for me. I’ve spent most of my life afraid of dying.
Way Back When
- Living with mortality in mind meant more patience in parenting. I loved my kids where they were instead of trying to “fix” them.
- I didn’t get my feathers ruffled as easily in disagreements with Jason. I was able to let him have his opinion without thinking I had to get him to agree with mine.
- I didn’t take as much personally.
- I recognized that I was good enough. I had just as much value as anybody else alive and all I could do was my best (not talking about perfectionism here. It meant I was giving the day and the people in it my all.)
- I was thoroughly enjoying my journey and the growth I was experiencing.
I feel happier thinking about what it felt like to live in that space and I want to be able to do it again consistently. The good news is, it’s so possible and I can start now. I just have to get in touch with the realization that there are no guarantees that I’ll be here tomorrow or that you’ll be.
Everything is a miracle. Life is a miracle.
Everything/Everyone is interconnected (all 7 billion of us.)
The ONLY thing I can control today, is how I CHOOSE TO BE in the world.
I’m going to stop beating myself up and holding myself to the ridiculous standard of perfectionism. It’ll take some work, but I’ll beat it. I’m going to love and accept myself the same way I love YOU.
I’m going to quit looking for validation outside of my own body and I’m going to rock this life POWERFUL WOMAN style.
If I tap back into this way of thinking and living, I’m not going to be bogged down with worry. I’m not going to have time to dwell on imagined scenarios of doom and gloom or even dreams of a happily ever after that may or may not ever be. If I’m present, I’m living my happily ever after each and every day. My cup will be running over, even in the middle of an emergency room with blood and stitches and broken bones. I’ll be full of hope again. I’ll see the bright side of life and the very real darkness isn’t going to feel so dark, because there’s so much you and I can do to make the load lighter for someone else.
I just have to get out of my head and back into my life.
If you can do it, I can do it and the other way around.
Here are a few closing quotes from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
“The final way to attain personal freedom is to prepare ourselves for the initiation of the dead, to take death ourself as our teacher.
We have just the present to be alive.
And of course I treat the people I love with love because this may be the last day that I can tell you how much I love you.
The love that makes me happy is the love that I can share with you. Why do I need to deny that I love you? It is not important if you love me back. I may die tomorrow or you may die tomorrow. What makes me happy now is to let you know how much I love you.”
All my love,