Tag Archives: divorce

Showing Up

Showing Up

“You’re doing so well,” my friend Angel said to me the other day. From the outside, I may appear to be handling the separation, full time employment (for the first time in my life), the accident, and pending divorce well, but I’ve actually been struggling the entire time. And so I told her how not well I’ve actually been.

Before Jason moved out, I experienced crippling financial stress, loneliness, and hopelessness in just about every area of my life. I was quite overwhelmed. Even though I pushed for growth or separation (which I feel was an act of self love) my self esteem has taken a blow that’s set me back 10 years, back to before I learned anything about taking care of and loving myself. I’m at square one, only this time I can’t unlearn what I’ve learned.

I will eventually recall how to let thoughts go that don’t serve me and replace them with ones that do. I’ll remember that my value is just as great as yours. I will remember that I have choices available, even when I don’t feel like I do, and that choosing to do nothing is still a choice. I’ll remember that I can create my day. I don’t have to exist, reacting to what life tries to serve me on its mediocre platter. I have more control than what I’ve been able to see the last couple of years.

While I can’t control what happens around me, I can control how I react. I can set about putting events into motion and creating a life that I’m excited to live, instead of moping through the rest of my days, defeated and looking for acceptance and love from others, instead of filling my world with Real Love (check out this book if you haven’t yet.)

I used to power through hard times with such hope, knowing I was okay no matter what, thanks to what I learned from Bill Cumming and What Every Person Can Do.

I feel like I’m writing the same post over and over again. It starts out, “I’m struggling, but this is what I’m doing about it.” I keep saying I’m going to lean on the basics of Self Care and being present. I keep telling myself I’m going to give YOU more of my time, but my focus has been way off.

I have bursts of inspiration and for those brief moments, I feel like I’m capable of implementing the dreams I dreamed 6 years ago, when I first learned that I had more control over my thinking and my life. I had lived as a victim, waiting for someone else to give me step by step instructions on what to do next to have a happier existence. I learned I could be an owner (Thank you, Steve Chandler.) I worked on my thinking. I quit looking to anyone else for my happiness, but I’ve slipped back into a victim mindset. I’ve been crushed by my circumstances. I’ve definitely been looking to others to make me feel worthy and fill the void that separation left behind as a parting gift.

There’s No Perfect Tuesday

My friend Bevin told me years ago that there’s never going to be a perfect Tuesday when I wake up and all the problems are fixed…when I’m fixed. Why do I keep thinking I have to have all of my problems fixed to share with you any more? She also said that we can HAVE IT ALL, just not all at the same time.

This journey was never about me having all the answers or any answers really. It was about having an outlet to share what I was learning, as I was learning it, with a tribe of women…my tribe…our tribe… because the people we love and share our lives with, don’t always get us. They don’t always share our vision and even though they love us, they have the potential to crush our dreams instead of giving us the encouragement to GO FOR IT. But you and I get it. We get each other.

My commitment to you today is to show up in some form EVERY DAY, whether it’s a post like this, a goofy 2 or 3 minute video, Facebook live once a week (which still terrifies me) or a quote and a quick hello.

I’m showing up. Thank you for doing the same.

All my love (my REAL LOVE),
Sarah

 

I Am A Powerful Woman

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This Time It’s Going To Be Different

This time it’s going to be different.

Early on in this separation (that hasn’t officially happened, but we made the decision 5 months ago) I decided circumstances were going to be drastically different than the last go around.

Already pretty isolated in 2012 (because we’d stopped going to church a few years before and we were no longer homeschooling) I shut out my closest support system for an unhealthy relationship, that took 6 months to break away from.

My Tribe

As soon as Jason and I decided this 19 year marriage was beyond repair, I reached out to multiple friends and said, “Will you be part of my tribe so when the loneliness come (because it does come and it comes with a vengeance) I don’t make bad choices?”  There were multiple yeses and actually not a single no. I’m so thankful for my tribe.

I’m keeping in touch and being transparent about what I’m up to in life.  Lots of checks and balances.

More Doing Things

I’m spending actual time with friends.  No more isolation for this girl!  I spent the last decade doing life alone and that’s no way to live. Within the last couple of months I’ve gone out to eat, to the movies, hiking, and to friends’ houses for actual old school visits and coffee. Long visits were weekly events 12 years ago.  How I’ve missed those!

Professional Help

I’m going to counseling regularly.  I KNOW I need this additional level of support.  I tend to put far too much on my plate, so it’s nice having input so that I take on new ventures and major life choices at an appropriate pace.

“Put yourself in the way of beauty.”-Cheryl Strayed

I’m buying plants a little bit at a time, a candle here, a cheap set of curtains there.  I don’t have extra money to spend on these little luxuries but they brighten my physical space and bring me a great deal of pleasure.   The amount of debt I have compared to the amount of income I bring in is a crippling figure, so in the words of Scarlet O’Hara, “I’ll think about it tomorrow.”

Speaking of tomorrow-

When life gets overwhelming, I’m taking a page from Glennon Doyle Melton’s book Love Warrior.

Do The Next Right Thing

Glennon wrote about making the decision to carry a baby after a lifetime of eating disorders and addiction.  “What is the next right thing to do?” she asked herself, with that pregnancy test in hand. That’s how she made it during her transition, always looking for the next right thing to do.

Knowing What I Don’t Want

I’ve been given some bad advice on what I should GO OUT and do.  While that might feel good in the moment, it’s not me.  I have zero desire to randomly date and have casual anything…  That seems like a fruitless distraction and way too much drama.  And besides, last time I rushed into the first set of arms willing to embrace me and ended up with a lot of regret, not to mention guilt from hurting someone looking for love in all the wrong places, and a hip tattoo! (sad but true.)

I have BIG goals for my life and chasing temporary comfort would throw me completely off course.

Back to the NEXT RIGHT THING

My goal is to continue to put myself in the way of beauty, create a life that is filled with LOVE (not the romantic kind…not yet anyway) but to focus on my other relationships, my children, my extended family, and friendships.

I am going to live a life that is so busy and full, that even though I will naturally tend to want someone to share the journey with, I won’t be wasting away waiting for it.

Be Present

I am going to live in the present as much as possible.  I am going to live each day to the fullest and squeeze every drop of goodness out of it.  Even on the hard days, I am going to “hunt for the good things.”

It’s true that there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for.

Gratitude

The day my dad passed away, was not a day full of painful memories, but had sweet memories folded into it.  My dear friends drove by the nursing home and slipped money into my hand for lunch, so we’d have one less task to take care of that day.

I was relieved to see how many nursing home staff genuinely cared about my dad as they expressed their condolences.  In my mind, my poor dad laid in that bed for 2 years neglected and miserable, but the reality was that he was loved.

My mom, brother, his wife and I spent the next few hours dividing my dad’s small box of earthly belongings and just being together.

A month later, Jason and I separated.  I didn’t function very well the first couple of months, but even then, I remember being thankful for my kids and for all of the laughter we shared.  Bouchers are natural comedians, so there’s always always always something to laugh about, especially when others would find it inappropriate to be telling jokes and laughing.

Pursue Goals

I’m going to write and create and dream.

I’m going to take action on those dreams.  I’m going to pick ONE BIG DREAM (decisions aren’t my favorite) and pursue it even if I change my mind 3 months down the road.

Be Honest

I’m going to be really real.  I’m going to be honest.  I’m not going to hide hip tattoos or feelings.

And I’m going to be honest with myself.  That’s tricky because I haven’t allowed myself to feel the scope of feelings available to feel, like sadness and anger.  Those “BAD emotions” have been pushed deep inside to allow only the cheery positive ones to dominate my life up until recently.  Apparently when we don’t deal with our emotions, we can’t properly heal…blah blah blah.

So yeah, I’m going to allow myself to feel some crap and I’m going to acknowledge the thought or feeling for what it is and then move along to the next thought.

“Live the life you have imagined.” -Henry David Thoreau

My future will be filled with family dinners (around the table even), extended family dinners, delightful company, kids’ sleepovers, accomplishing goals -little and big, a vacation or two along the way, but also a lifestyle that gives me the feeling that my life is already a vacation-maybe not a vacation anybody else would want to go on, but my own personal vacation living.

This is my life and it’s a good one.  I’ve had trouble seeing that the last few months, but I see it now.

This post is so full of I’s, me’s, and my’s that I’m a touch uncomfortable, so now it’s your turn to tell me about ways you actively take care of yourself.

Share them in the comment section here or post a comment over on Facebook.

Thank you so very much for reading, for being part of this journey, and for allowing me to be part of yours.

~Sarah

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