That Was Then
When Jason moved out of the house two years ago, my friend Joe said, “You’re going to be a different person in a year.” He was referring to the “roller coaster” of emotions and changes that come with separation, divorce, and finding your place in the world. I didn’t believe him at all. I was who I’d always been and I was determined to stay that way. Joe was well into his own “roller coaster” ride and much to my dismay, knew exactly what he was talking about.
In 2011, I experienced a BOOM in my personal development journey. It was like an emotional Renaissance. I felt so ALIVE…so excited to be growing…to be thinking invigorating, life changing thoughts.
2012 brought the first separation and heartbreak. I tried to maintain the positive attitude, but I was in crisis. I used what I’d learned from the previous year to stay afloat. That’s all I did. It’s basically where I found myself this morning, looking at my surroundings, overwhelmed and in tears. Actually I know that I’ve regressed back into a victim mindset. At some point, I laid my POWER at my feet and have stood by helplessly, waiting for someone…anyone to come along, pick it up, and place it back in my hands. Friends have tried to tell me it’s there, but I didn’t believe them. There’s no way it would still be where I laid it down. I never even looked down to see if they were telling me the truth.
Stuck in the Muck
Over the last couple of years, I’ve grieved. I’ve experienced intense loneliness. I’ve been afraid. I’ve been immobilized. I’ve felt hopeless. I’ve made choices I regret. I’ve turned into someone I don’t recognize. I’m afraid to run into people from my past because I don’t want them to see what a mess my life is.
I feel like a baby grown up. I don’t even know where to begin or what to do to save myself. I’ve just been surviving all these years. I’ve stayed trapped in my head with all of these negative thoughts bullying me around day in and day out.
What I hear all day are words like, “Failure…hopeless situation…incapable…impossible…lonely…all alone…”
In the words of my friend Rachelle, “What the crap?!”
On a particularly rough day last fall, I recognized that my thoughts weren’t exactly working for me. I was having trouble snapping out of my funk. Music wasn’t helping lift my mood, so I turned to The Happier Podcast for a dose of positivity. Gretchen Rubin and Liz Craft feel like old friends at this point. They helped me through a dark time, but it wasn’t enough. My POWER was still lying at my feet.
Some time around Christmas, my friend Jeri gave me the book 40 Days to a Joy-Filled Life.
This Is Now
Between the podcast, the book, heart to heart conversations with Bill Cumming and Linda Pritcher, and the ongoing love and support from my tribe, this morning I looked down at my feet and was delighted to see that my POWER was still there, waiting for me to pick it back up. Kind of like Dorothy’s ruby red slippers. I had it all along.
While friends and family can cheer me on and hold my hand when the days seem dark and scary, they can’t do this hard work for me. I see again, like I did in 2011 when I decided that the victim mindset was no way to live, that no one is coming to save me.
With my POWER firmly in my grasp, I still don’t see HOW this is all going to work out, but I have hope that it will. HOPE.
From time to time, I catch this beautiful vision for my POWERFUL woman life.
A life where I–
- Indulge in creative projects
- Think outside the box
- Am fearless
- Am a good support system for my children, emotionally AND financially
- Have confidence and embrace my individuality
- Believe the impossible for myself and others
- Love with my whole heart (including myself)
- Am fully alive and present
- Have overflowing peace and joy
- Have an inviting home
- Have enough and then some to share
I won’t have time to worry about whether or not there’s a partner to share the journey with. If one should happen to join me down the road, great. If not, great– because I will truly be happy in this life I will have created for myself.
Action Makes Traction
I have to guard my thoughts and words. I can’t say, “Victim. Broken. Hopeless,” and expect to see strength, healing, and success.
I’m not stuck. This isn’t how the story ends. I know this because…MEMES. Memes don’t lie.
I’m ready to make traction. I’m done being a victim. I own this life. I own my choices past and present. I own my POWER. I’m moving out of my own way.
This week I’m going to set specific goals so I can track my actions and one day find myself in my vision, looking back on this day with a happy heart.
Even if I don’t make it…if I die next week, I’ll have lived fully until then, proving that happiness is in the journey, not the destination. Again…Memes don’t lie.
As the gurus say, “Onward.”
And some say, “Onward and upward.”
Thank you for reading. Thank you for being part of my tribe and for allowing me to be part of yours.
Much Love,
Sarah
If you’ve survived the “roller coaster” and have your feet firmly planted back on solid ground, I’d love to hear your best advice for keeping my hands and feet inside the cart at all times and making it back in one piece. You can share that right here or message/leave a comment over on Facebook. This site probably isn’t the most user friendly at this point (especially on a smart phone.) I’ll work on that.
