It was 2016. I read some clever articles by Glennon Doyle and one in particular stood out. It was something to the effect of, “Sometimes sisters choose to leave and sometimes sisters choose to stay.”
I made the choice to stay in 2013. I wanted all the justification for this drama I continued to put myself through that was available.
In the article, Glennon was promoting her book, Love Warrior. Love Warrior is Glennon’s story of staying.
I ordered my copy but while I waited for my copy to come, Glennon made the announcement that her marriage to her husband Craig ended.
I had a gut feeling that reading her book would lead to me making a similar decision. I was honestly nervous to start reading but knew I needed encouragement from someone who had walked down a similar path.
I was tired of conversations with other women who told me I was a better woman than they were. They boldly proclaimed they would never stay in that scenario. I didn’t feel like a better woman after those conversations. I felt convicted and… like I was making a weak move. Was I setting a bad example for my children by staying?
Two-thirds of the way through the book, I knew my marriage was done.
Glennon shared how after she and Craig split up, he fought to win her back. He did everything in his power to show he cared. It didn’t work at the time, but he did it anyway. He was pursuing her and their family.
I cried at the realization that I was not being pursued. I was, in fact, the one pursuing.
Shortly after finishing the book, I gave Jason an ultimatum. We could go to counseling and get help or call it quits.
We went to one counseling appointment and that was it. In that meeting, the therapist asked us both how we experienced love from the other person. I said I didn’t, and he admitted that he hadn’t been looking to give or receive love for years. Case closed.
Thanks a lot, Glennon.
No, seriously.
I don’t think it’s wrong for couples to stay together to work through marital problems if it’s both people working toward healing. That’s the best-case scenario.
Divorce is messy and draining and six years later, I’m still feeling big emotions about my marriage falling apart. It’s not a decision to rush into.
A self-care thought I often reflect on is EVERYTHING IS INTERCONNECTED. Our words and actions ripple out into the world. The Melton’s divorce story really did impact my heart to the point that I took action toward ending my marriage.
Isn’t that crazy?!
We are ALL interconnected.
I have made some great friendships through this 12-year I Am a Powerful Woman journey. I’ve been encouraged by the women who have interacted with my posts over the years and from time to time, I get messages that I’ve encouraged them.
Yesterday I put together a Facebook Group for single moms and former single moms who want to encourage those of us navigating single-mom waters. It’s called Single Moms Empowerment Community and I’d love to have you be part of it if you fall into one of those two categories. Follow this link and let’s interconnect.
More Joy. More Peace. More Power.
Tag: Love Warrior
This time it’s going to be different.
Early on in this separation (that hasn’t officially happened, but we made the decision 5 months ago) I decided circumstances were going to be drastically different than the last go around.
Already pretty isolated in 2012 (because we’d stopped going to church a few years before and we were no longer homeschooling) I shut out my closest support system for an unhealthy relationship, that took 6 months to break away from.
My Tribe
As soon as Jason and I decided this 19 year marriage was beyond repair, I reached out to multiple friends and said, “Will you be part of my tribe so when the loneliness come (because it does come and it comes with a vengeance) I don’t make bad choices?” There were multiple yeses and actually not a single no. I’m so thankful for my tribe.
I’m keeping in touch and being transparent about what I’m up to in life. Lots of checks and balances.
More Doing Things
I’m spending actual time with friends. No more isolation for this girl! I spent the last decade doing life alone and that’s no way to live. Within the last couple of months I’ve gone out to eat, to the movies, hiking, and to friends’ houses for actual old school visits and coffee. Long visits were weekly events 12 years ago. How I’ve missed those!
Professional Help
I’m going to counseling regularly. I KNOW I need this additional level of support. I tend to put far too much on my plate, so it’s nice having input so that I take on new ventures and major life choices at an appropriate pace.
“Put yourself in the way of beauty.”-Cheryl Strayed
I’m buying plants a little bit at a time, a candle here, a cheap set of curtains there. I don’t have extra money to spend on these little luxuries but they brighten my physical space and bring me a great deal of pleasure. The amount of debt I have compared to the amount of income I bring in is a crippling figure, so in the words of Scarlet O’Hara, “I’ll think about it tomorrow.”
Speaking of tomorrow-
When life gets overwhelming, I’m taking a page from Glennon Doyle Melton’s book Love Warrior.
Do The Next Right Thing
Glennon wrote about making the decision to carry a baby after a lifetime of eating disorders and addiction. “What is the next right thing to do?” she asked herself, with that pregnancy test in hand. That’s how she made it during her transition, always looking for the next right thing to do.
Knowing What I Don’t Want
I’ve been given some bad advice on what I should GO OUT and do. While that might feel good in the moment, it’s not me. I have zero desire to randomly date and have casual anything… That seems like a fruitless distraction and way too much drama. And besides, last time I rushed into the first set of arms willing to embrace me and ended up with a lot of regret, not to mention guilt from hurting someone looking for love in all the wrong places, and a hip tattoo! (sad but true.)
I have BIG goals for my life and chasing temporary comfort would throw me completely off course.
Back to the NEXT RIGHT THING
My goal is to continue to put myself in the way of beauty, create a life that is filled with LOVE (not the romantic kind…not yet anyway) but to focus on my other relationships, my children, my extended family, and friendships.
I am going to live a life that is so busy and full, that even though I will naturally tend to want someone to share the journey with, I won’t be wasting away waiting for it.
Be Present
I am going to live in the present as much as possible. I am going to live each day to the fullest and squeeze every drop of goodness out of it. Even on the hard days, I am going to “hunt for the good things.”
It’s true that there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for.
Gratitude
The day my dad passed away, was not a day full of painful memories, but had sweet memories folded into it. My dear friends drove by the nursing home and slipped money into my hand for lunch, so we’d have one less task to take care of that day.
I was relieved to see how many nursing home staff genuinely cared about my dad as they expressed their condolences. In my mind, my poor dad laid in that bed for 2 years neglected and miserable, but the reality was that he was loved.
My mom, brother, his wife and I spent the next few hours dividing my dad’s small box of earthly belongings and just being together.
A month later, Jason and I separated. I didn’t function very well the first couple of months, but even then, I remember being thankful for my kids and for all of the laughter we shared. Bouchers are natural comedians, so there’s always always always something to laugh about, especially when others would find it inappropriate to be telling jokes and laughing.
Pursue Goals
I’m going to write and create and dream.
I’m going to take action on those dreams. I’m going to pick ONE BIG DREAM (decisions aren’t my favorite) and pursue it even if I change my mind 3 months down the road.
Be Honest
I’m going to be really real. I’m going to be honest. I’m not going to hide hip tattoos or feelings.
And I’m going to be honest with myself. That’s tricky because I haven’t allowed myself to feel the scope of feelings available to feel, like sadness and anger. Those “BAD emotions” have been pushed deep inside to allow only the cheery positive ones to dominate my life up until recently. Apparently when we don’t deal with our emotions, we can’t properly heal…blah blah blah.
So yeah, I’m going to allow myself to feel some crap and I’m going to acknowledge the thought or feeling for what it is and then move along to the next thought.
“Live the life you have imagined.” -Henry David Thoreau
My future will be filled with family dinners (around the table even), extended family dinners, delightful company, kids’ sleepovers, accomplishing goals -little and big, a vacation or two along the way, but also a lifestyle that gives me the feeling that my life is already a vacation-maybe not a vacation anybody else would want to go on, but my own personal vacation living.
This is my life and it’s a good one. I’ve had trouble seeing that the last few months, but I see it now.
This post is so full of I’s, me’s, and my’s that I’m a touch uncomfortable, so now it’s your turn to tell me about ways you actively take care of yourself.
Share them in the comment section here or post a comment over on Facebook.
Thank you so very much for reading, for being part of this journey, and for allowing me to be part of yours.
~Sarah
This time last year, my life didn’t look much different than it does now. Our family was in the middle of a move, as we are now. I was settling into my job as a temp in a factory, making friends, and weighing every single possible educational/career option for my future during those long 12 hour shifts.
This time last year, I wrote a blog post about moving on. I declared that as we left our physical space, I was leaving my relationship baggage behind. We were starting fresh in a new home. We were going to be okay.
While no one was watching, I grabbed a few of those “bags.” After a couple of months, I began searching through the contents. I pulled out an unresolved issue, waved it around, and then stuffed it back in the bag. A few weeks later, I pulled out another issue and went through the same routine. I have in fact spent the last year trying to divorce my husband. It’s become our joke. Before I leave for work, Jason will often ask, “Are you going to want to divorce me when you get home?”
I love joking around with Jason. The material from our lives over the last decade gives us both a ton of comedic material to pull from. I hope we always laugh with each other.
I recently read Love Warrior. One of the mantras the author applied to her life during a MAJOR transition was DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING.
When Jason and I separated in 2012, I did NOT do the next right thing.
I did MOST OF THE THINGS you aren’t supposed to do in a separation. I broke common sense rules. I’m still so shocked by my actions.
When I came to my senses, I went on a mission to figure out where I went wrong. Where had my brain disappeared to in the months that followed the separation?
In my search, I got together with a couple of single women who appeared to have handled the transition better than I had. I was ready to learn.
“Are you acting…crazy?” one of them asked in a playful manner.
“YES!”
“Go to Barnes and Noble RIGHT NOW and get the book, Crazy Time. I’ve read it more than once.”
I did as I was instructed. I didn’t make it to the end of the book, but the beginning was about losing it, in one way or another, and how some people SNAP completely and go on to kill their exes or commit suicide…or both. I sure am glad I didn’t reach SNAP level crazy, just super poor decision making skills level crazy.
Why don’t people talk about this more?! It’s like we’ve all secretly agreed to not talk about this CRAZY TIME and other traumatic events and big feelings that follow.
Well thanks a lot people! I could’ve used the warning.
Consider this post your warning from me.
As you might imagine, a year of waving around those unresolved issues and living in limbo has taken its toll on both of us. It hasn’t all been bad. It never was. We’ve had more than enough happy moments to replace all of the bad ones.
So what happens next?
I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen, because plans change regularly around here, but as a family, we’re headed in a direction where healthy and happy is the goal for all seven of us. In the meantime, I have the opportunity to DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING daily. I think I’ll print that out and hang it everywhere, just in case I forget.
Thanks for reading!
I happily encourage women to grow in their power daily at I Am A Powerful Woman. Come join the conversation there.
If you’re struggling or dealing with a loved one in pain, check out What Every Person Can Do. It’s incredibly affordable. 12 weeks of support for what 1 hour of counseling would cost! But…and I know this firsthand, even reasonably priced is not an option sometimes, so don’t write this off. Partial and full scholarships are available for those that need them and are serious about going through the work.
LET’S CONNECT!
© 2024 I Am A POWERFUL Woman
Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑