Tag Archives: relationships

Loving Kindness, Relationships, and Parenting

I’m EXCITED to share with you the first, of what I hope will be many, short recorded discussions with Bill Cumming, founder of The Boothby Institute.  Bill has been my mentor and friend for four years. His program What Every Person Can Do, now available in an online course as well as one on one, has been a life changer for me.  I consider it an honor to know him and work with him on projects.  I walk away from every conversation wanting others to be able to benefit from his loving kindness and friendship too.

Bill has no desire to be in the lime light.  His work is to point everybody back to themselves and the power, peace, and love that is in each of us, so that we can live joyful lives and the world will be a healthier safer place for all of us.  I’d be okay with that.

This video is LOADED with takeaways.  (I was not as angry as I look. I promise.)

Bill touches on unconditional love in healthy relationships and in parenting, what that kind of love feels like, and how to stay calm when the kids are pushing all of your buttons.

zoom_3 from Bill Cumming on Vimeo.

I’d LOVE your feedback.  Was this video useful?  Would you like to hear more about any of the subjects talked about in this video?  Do you have other questions about any area of your life or concern that you’d like Bill and I to address next?  I’m looking forward to your comments!

I’d like to encourage you, if you’re struggling or if you are dealing with a loved one in pain, check out What Every Person Can Do.  It’s incredibly affordable.  12 weeks of support for what 1 hour of counseling would cost!  But…and I know this firsthand, even reasonably priced is not an option sometimes, so don’t write this off.  Partial and full scholarships are available for those that need them and are serious about going through the work.

Thanks for watching and thanks for your feedback.

Sarah

 

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Always Do Your Best-This Marriage Stuff Part 2

Jason and Sarah 2014Last week I wrote about my marriage (click here to read that) and asked for pointers on getting more connected to the man I share my life with and have been friends with for over half my life.  I really appreciate all of you who shared your thoughts.  I’m condensing them here and hitting the highlights.

Jacqui-

“I advise you treat your marriage sacred like God intended and be grateful for what you have versus what you don’t, and definitely keep your marriage issues private between you, God and your husband…Good luck, you two will be in my prayers!”

Glenda-

My vote is that you go back to that therapist and start where you are at this moment. If an intersection is blocked, walking around drinking coffee and holding hands will not clear the path–although, walking and holding hands are excellent ways to approach the de-construction.

Cari-

Remember that marriage is a call to teach God’s love to the foreign culture we call our husband. Sometimes i have to step back and try to figure out how to relate to him. Sometimes I have to step back and give him room. What helps most of all is to remember the good times and try to get him to do the same. “Remember when we met?” is a good starter.

Bridget-

…we actually just started communicating better when I got ill. We threw everything right out on the table for one another, no matter how bad or heartbreaking it was. That night showed us how much we actually love and care about each other.

Nancy

It’s little things that matter. Take some time each day to show him you appreciate him. Maybe set up a regular date so you guys can connect. Sharing a cup of coffee in the morning or allowing a half hour of uninterrupted time for each other in the evening.

Janice-

You remember what drew you to him in the first place. Oh, and going to the beach is nice, if not, go for a long walk…..without kids.

Kerri-

Kiss. 15 seconds, no less every day. Even if you don’t want to. Carve out fifteen minutes of alone time together. Even if it is a walk or a coffee. I constantly feel disconnected with so many kids and a full time job, and my husbands PTSD. It is a struggle….but!!! When something is as important as marriage you do everything to keep it from being tarnished—you polish it every day.

Here’s what happened after that post.  I started thinking there were steps I could follow to fix our marriage.  I also started searching for that feeling of re-connection and happiness from him which led to some creepy neediness from me.  It felt horrible.  I don’t want to do THAT to me or him again.  I’m sure I’ll slip up and end up there from time to time, but I sure as heck hope I catch it sooner than I did this past week.  He lovingly saw me through it but we’re both exhausted and it didn’t make us feel any more connected.

Anyway, here’s what I ultimately learned and know to be true from my little visit to CRAZY TOWN.

No amount of kind words or thoughtful actions on either of our parts will fix anything or make the other person feel complete or loved.  Those activities are nice and should be done daily, but we both have to do the work of being completely happy and whole on our own to enjoy a happy healthy relationship, free of neediness, grudges, finger pointing, or guilt and shame.

The ONLY thing either one of us can do is DO OUR BEST each day to work on ourselves and be nice to our partner.  We’ve agreed that this is the best course of action, doing our best, which made me think about The Four Agreements because the fourth agreement is Always Do Your Best.

Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I’ve decided to give away a copy of the book in January to a member of the POWERFUL Woman community (The P-dub Hub.)  To become an official member of the community and be entered into each month’s give away automatically, just fill in the form below.

Goodnight and good luck from the Kentucky Lottery!

Wait!  That’s the wrong sign off.  Let me try again.

My name is Sarah Boucher and I approve this message.

Join below!!!  I’m throwing in a little something besides the book as well.  I just haven’t decided what yet 🙂

 

 

 

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Trouble in Paradise-This Marriage Stuff

Boucher Family Pic 2014This marriage stuff is a lot harder than I thought it was. We’re almost 17 years into this and I’m scratching my head wondering what we can do to make it a happier and healthier relationship.

My experience of my marriage was that we had a pretty great one, one of the best in the history of mankind.  Unfortunately, the story stopped being legen…wait for it…dary 8 years ago.  I know it wasn’t a good experience for my husband by the 4 year mark.  That’s when he told me he thought we should see a counselor, but I “heard” what he had to say, told him we were fine, and everything got better (for me, not for him.)

If there’s one lesson I’m 100% sure of, it’s if your partner mentions counseling, don’t dismiss it.  RUN!  Don’t walk.

I want to write about my marriage because it’s real.  The struggle to be connected is real.  The feelings feel real for both of us.  There’s crap to deal with.  I don’t want any of my writing on this topic to blame or shame anyone, myself included, which is really where most of those negative thoughts would be directed since I’m the one writing this.

Here’s where I sit today.

We both had different experiences of our marriage.  We’ve made lots of happy memories over the years (I love those), but there’s also been a lot of pain and damage done on both our parts.  Our excellent communication was not as excellent as I thought it was.  We separated for 9 months in 2012 and then we made the decision to work on our marriage.  Even at our worst, separated and in relationships with other people, we still cared for and encouraged each other to make good choices.

When we decided to recommit, we went to counseling for three weeks.  The counselor told us we weren’t like other couples she’d worked with.  She really said that.  She praised our communication and respect for each other.  She told us we were doing great and sent us on our merry way.  Fast forward to today.

We’ve talked and agreed that our marriage lacks connection and we don’t know what to do about it.  We like each other.  I’d go so far as to say we love each other.  We want to stay married, but we’re just not very connected.

Here’s my analysis.  I feel like we both learned to live apart during those 9 months and since we’ve been back together, we’ve still been living separate lives.  We just do our own thing and sometimes our paths cross.  We’re both busy with life, which happens to all couples and is not unique to our situation.  So my question is what do you do when life gets busy and you get disconnected from your partner, besides the obvious.  My husband said it best jokingly, “We connect with our hearts, not with our parts.”

So, how can we get more connected?  What are your suggestions?  Seriously.  Share your ideas by commenting below or come over to I Am A Powerful Woman and post them on the wall.  I’ll compile a list and we’ll try them.  This will be fun and it might just work.

Thanks for your help!

Sarah

 

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Powerful Relationships Create Powerful Women

Powerful Relationships Create Powerful Women
By Heather Grant

“Non nobis solum nati sumus.”
(We are not born for ourselves alone.)
― Cicero

Often times when we seek out and are nurturing relationships, we are looking for someone to make us happy. This seems to be the world’s view of dating, marriage, and friendships. Find someone who can make me happy! The funny thing is to become truly happy we have to become less focused on me and more focused on the person we are trying to nurture a relationship with.

Sometimes as women we sit around waiting. Waiting to be asked on a date or for our husband to get a clue and bring us flowers. We wait for our kids to start treating us with respect, or for our friends to ask us out to lunch or give us a call to see how we are doing. Instead of waiting, it is time to take the power back into our own hands and begin doing and creating the life and relationships that we desire. In order to become powerful women we need to create powerful relationships.

Before I started my own business, I was a stay at home mom and I was totally wrapped up in my own life and challenges. When I began my own business, I was amazed at how many strong relationships and deep meaningful friendships I did NOT have! I was so wrapped up in my own life and problems that I didn’t reach out to other women in sincere friendship and support. Through building my own business and with lots of hard work and personal development, I am happy to say I have completely changed all that.

There is an object lesson I love. Take a single pencil and you can break it in half easily but when you bundle several pencils together they become unbreakable. They are strong and powerful when supported. Each of us needs those loving relationships in our lives and it is up to us to use the power within ourselves and create them. Sometimes this is easy and sometimes it requires us to sacrifice what we want and what we think will make us happy and to put someone else’s happiness first. Let me give you an example.

Jarom and Heather Grant

My husband and I try to go on dates regularly, and even after being married for several years, we struggle to come up with things to do on date night that we are both happy with. We finally settled on a compromise. He gets to choose the date one week, and then the next time we go out, it is my turn. He usually chooses to go fishing or hiking or something “manly”. I usually choose to eat out and watch a chick flick.

The fact is, I hate fishing! You get wet, cold and muddy. You usually don’t catch fish so it is extremely boring. Then, if by sheer luck, my hubby happens to catch a fish, he gives it to me to hold, so he can continue fishing. The fish flails and flings mud and slime all over me and scares me to death. Then it dies, which breaks my heart, and he cleans all the guts and blood out. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! I get eaten by mosquitoes and end up cold, muddy, and smelling all fishy-like. The funny thing is, that as much as I HATE fishing, I LOVE fishing with my husband because I know he loves it. He carries me across the river in the deep parts, and the look on his face when he actually catches a fish is truly priceless! He is so proud of himself! He holds that fish up high for me to see and gets this whole caveman attitude of, “See woman, me catch fish, we eat fish, I am man.” It is hilarious! I get the best feeling spending time with him when I am doing the things that I know he enjoys and makes him the happiest. My best dates are the ones when he chooses what we get to do. But, please, please, don’t tell him, because I want to eat out and watch a chick flick now and again too!

We need to quit waiting for our spouse or friends to spoil us and make us happy. Instead we need to try to spoil them and make them happy. The truth is that when you do this YOU find true joy and happiness! Instead of looking for business prospects to make us money, we need to seek to serve and support those we do business with and add value to their lives. When we do this it goes full circle and blesses our own lives financially.

To find true happiness we have to become less focused on me and more focused on the person we are trying to nurture a relationship with. Bring that hubby a treat to his work or slip him a kind note or text. Take your children to the park or read them that favorite book again and then again. Message that girl friend you have lost touch with, or better yet, give her a call and catch up. We can all think of a friend we love and have lost touch with. We lead fast paced, busy lives so we have to make it a priority to place a phone call or two and schedule that lunch date or girls night out. It is time to take power back into our own hands and begin doing and creating the life and relationships that we desire. As we seek to serve and make other people happy,we find true joy, satisfaction, and happiness.

10-6-2013 Heather Grant 112 (1)

About the Author
Heather loves reading, writing, and public speaking. She works as a wellness advocate selling doTERRA essentials oils. She focuses on helping people with physical, emotional, and financial health and well being. Heather married Jarom Grant, on August 2, 2002, in the Manti LDS temple for time and all eternity. They reside in Duchesne, Utah, with their five children. To find out more about Heather’s story or about her work as a wellness advocate check out this link.

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Wake Up and Live

wake up and live rebel thrivers

21 Day Self Care Challenge, Day 4
Wake Up and Live

Some days feel magical: birthdays, vacation days, Christmas. This day was one of those days for me. Self Care can definitely support you in turning ordinary days into days that feel magical.

Besides being grounded in my thinking, today was great because Jason, inspired by our first REAL snowfall this winter or knowing that our girls would pick at each other all day out of sheer boredom, kept the ball rolling with traditional snow day activities.

He made a big breakfast, but he didn’t just prepare food. He turned our kitchen into a diner and had the girls help. They went around taking individual orders, preparing drinks (the drink station was a MESS!), and serving the orders as they “came up”.

boucher snow day bkft

After breakfast, they made snow cream.

boucher snow day snow cream

Then it was time to go outside and play in the snow.

boucher snow day playing

I love that Nora kept her apron on. 🙂

I was the photographer all morning, documenting the special day. I had a choice. I could take the opportunity to write or I could go outside and enjoy this rare snow day with my husband and kids. I knew better than to pass this chance up. I quickly bundled up and joined the fun. We watch a lot of Man Versus Wild and Man Woman Wild on Netflix, so the girls were calling Jason “Bear” and handing him big pieces of ice from the trampoline for the walls of an igloo.

boucher snow day igloo

When we were thoroughly frozen, we came in to read by the fire, drink hot chocolate, and eat the earlier prepared snow cream.

fireplace

When I finally did Self Care, I thought about how I want to ALIVE. I don’t feel like I’ve been living life fully for the last couple of years. I was already kind of isolated. Jason and I made the decision to stop going to church 7 years ago. The intention was to be with Christians regularly in our home, but things didn’t go according to plan, and I haven’t quite figured out what the next move is. When he and I separated for 9 months in August of 2012, I got REALLY REALLY isolated. I pushed away the support of friends for an unhealthy relationship. One thing I’ve learned for sure is that life is not meant to be a solo act and had I stayed connected to my support group, I wouldn’t have made some of the choices I made.

I’ve definitely become a homebody. Besides my new-ish life as a hermit, I haven’t been as present with my family as I’d like to be. More experiences out in the real world and lots of time with my family are at the top of my to do list and I’m actively looking for ways to make both of these things happen.

Self Care is a regular reminder of what matters most in my life.

After I did Self Care, our family had an impromptu photo shoot. Jason sells unique vintage items. He draped this old flag up on the piano so he could get a vision for what he’s going to do with it next. He sat down in front of it and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to take some silly pictures.

Boucher snow day fun

I’m extra pleased tonight because I chose to BE PRESENT with my family. I LIVED today to the fullest. Even though the day was filled with some extra fun, I know this feeling is possible on a normal day because I’ve experienced it many times before on Self Care days. I suspect that with regular Self Care, ALIVE is going to be the new norm. Off moments and days will still come, but not as often. If I’m wrong, I’ll let you know.

You may want to read Struggle Less if you’re curious about Self Care.

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