Over the last couple of years, I’ve written maybe three posts a year. I pay monthly to be able to write here, so it’s time to either write consistently or let this blog fade into nothingness.
One reason it might be a challenge to write with any consistency now is because I’m in school part time and working 32 hours a week. I was in school full time last semester and will be full time again next semester, if I’m brave enough to continue pursuing my education.
I sometimes feel like I’m too anxious for school. I threaten to quit every time I sit down to do my biology homework. (I need that class to get my associate’s degree, so this semester would be a legitimate stopping point…if I want to continue to struggle financially.) My kids talk me down and I manage to finish my assignments.
My days are busy running myself to school and work, running my seventeen-year-old back and forth to work, and getting three of us to standing appointments a few times a week.
Everybody is busy. Busy people still make time to do things that are important to them. If other people can be busy and create, then I can too.
I said in my previous post that I wanted to wake up early and do Self Care. Waking up early is the key to a more peaceful experience of life for me and would be the perfect time to get some writing done.
I’m sharing all of this for some accountability. If I’m going to wake up early to write, then I need to wrap this up and get to bed.
Thank you for reading. I’d love to hear any thoughts that might have come up for you about projects you’d like to work on, or any words of advice you might have for me in the comments.
I wish I was a prolific writer. I’m amazed by the amount of content that people are able to crank out constantly and what appears to be effortlessly. I love to write but the words don’t seem to want to come out on paper. Writing is almost a painful process for me.
Perhaps I’m not completely alone in this. Ernest Hemingway said,
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
It’s possible the words haven’t been flowing because I’ve been busy binge watching Supernatural and New Girl. Both of them have been a delightful escape from reality.
It’s possible I haven’t created because I’ve been preoccupied hiding from my life at friends’ houses when my girls are at their dad’s. We share equal time with them, so they’re gone half the week. I haven’t handled the transition well.
I had a conversation with one such hospitable friend last night. We talked seriously about my latest come apart. I’ve been completely overwhelmed by my circumstances and feelings lately. During our talk, I brought up my codependent nature and how it isn’t serving me in moving forward the way I desire.
I kind of feel like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, who ate whatever type of eggs her fiance at the time was eating.
I’ve always thought of these parts of myself as being laid back, go with the flow, why rock the boat when you can be agreeable, positive qualities. I still kind of do, but also have learned that it’s okay to voice my opinion occasionally…that is, if absolutely forced to do so.
These are people pleasing, fear of rejection, unflattering qualities that are easy to spot in others but I often fail to see them in myself because it’s how I’ve operated my whole life. I guess I have to work on it. Dang it.
Time to pull out The Boundaries Book and possibly try Al Anon meetings. I hear they’re beneficial for people who struggle with codependency. I’ll start with the book. Speaking of books and writing.
Perhaps I haven’t been writing because I’ve doubted my ability to produce anything of value to others and convinced myself that I shouldn’t even attempt it, instead of just writing for the sheer pleasure–well, except for the painful parts.
Back to codependency and not knowing what kinds of eggs I like. I actually do know what kinds of eggs I like–over medium, hard boiled, deviled, and scrambled with cheese…oh and I like scrambled eggs with salsa and a piece of buttered toast on the side.
Image: From Runaway Bride–Maggie tries ALL the eggs.
Besides liking all the eggs, even though the birthing process of writing can be painful, I love to write. If I’d spent the last two years doing more of what I love, instead of binge watching tv and avoiding my responsibilities (which just ended up producing a great deal of drama, which when I think about it will give me a ton of material to write about down the road) I could have potentially written a book by now.
All of this to say, my life hasn’t exactly been working for me and I want to work on myself and make the unpleasant circumstances better. I haven’t been focused for many reasons, but as Jim Rohn says,
“If you want to do something, you’ll find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse.”
It’s time to stop making excuses and just do it already. Just work on personal development. Just write every day, even if it’s for 15 minutes. Just deal with my life and make the changes I want, instead of running. (It all just came full circle and I didn’t even mean for it to.)
I’m embracing my life and…
I’m turning in my running shoes, just like in Runaway Bride!!!
I just looked outside to see if Richard Gere is out there. He actually is, but he’s aged QUITE A BIT since that movie came out in 1999, so I shut the door and locked it.
What about you? What is it that you’ve wanted to do for forever and keep putting off? I’d love to hear about it here on the blog or here on Facebook.
No more excuses. We get one life. Let’s decide right here and now to not excuse it away.
As I typed the words into the Facebook messenger box, where I’ve done the majority of my writing the last couple of years, I felt a rush of energy.
Now, I’m going to write something new.
A few years ago, I declared I would be like Hemingway.
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” -Ernest Hemingway
For whatever reason, I’ve still been extremely guarded with what I share. So guarded that I haven’t been sharing at all. Some of that is to protect my mom. I love that woman a lot and if I share where I’m at in my thinking and the mistakes I’ve made along the way, she’ll surely worry herself sick.
She and I had a conversation about it one night. I stood by her bed and told her how much I admired other writers who write from their hearts. Mom’s thought was that being guarded is responsible. I’m not fully convinced.
I realize I don’t need to run amuck and write my personal tabloid, but I do need to be true to who I am. If that means an overshare here or there to drive home a point or connect with other humans, so be it.
Part of my holding back is because my story is entwined with other peoples’ stories and I want to respect their privacy.
Part of this guardedness is self preservation. I don’t want haters and trolls puking their wrath on me.
I’m going to have to get over most of this if I’m ever going to be transparent.
I love transparency. It’s so PURE. It’s so necessary. I appreciate people who live this way. I’m going to work on not being so afraid and when the time is right, I’ll share my mess.
“If you’re going to share widely, make sure you share from your scars, not from your open wounds.” -Glennon Doyle
I almost had myself convinced I’d forgotten how to write.
Now, I’m going to write something new.
That statement feels like a fresh start. I’m not just sitting down to write a new post tonight. I can decide right now to create something new with my life.
I wrote a post when my ex and I were separating about how my life was going to be different this time as compared to our separation in 2012. You can read This Time It’s Going To Be Different here.
If I’m being honest, life hasn’t gone according to plan. I had some great goals back then, but I didn’t keep them in view and ended up losing sight of my vision.
Maybe…maybe I don’t want to write something new tonight. Maybe I want to focus on what’s already been written…because all of that was and still is my heart’s desire. And I really believe I can make it happen.
My writer friend, Caroline Madison recently shared her opinion about transparency in writing memoirs.
“The truth is hard sometimes, but steering clear of it, walking on eggshells because it’s easier than turning the tides and moving forward, is a cop out.”
I have to tell you, I’ve been a little shocked by some of the personal details Brave Caroline shares, like her parents’ flaws or struggles in her marriage. “I could NEVER write that!” I’ve thought.
I feel a strong desire to protect everyone; my kids, my husband, my parents, my secrets, and to keep your opinion of me solid, that is if your opinion of me is a good one.
One reason I can’t write openly is because I don’t want to spark a debate. This pertains mostly to thoughts on religion and God. I really just want you to agree with everything I write and say, “Me too,” or, “Well said,” so I barely say anything at all, to stay in favor with you.
Ernest Hemingway (who I initially loathed, but on further reflection have decided to cut him a little slack, what with him being human and all) wrote, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
Caroline Madison bleeds when she writes. Elizabeth Gilbert bleeds when she writes. Glennon Doyle Melton BLEEDS when she writes.
I stay away from all sharp objects. I can’t afford to bleed and that’s why my writing and my posts have been as dull as plastic knives in a Little Tikes kitchen.
I join the tens of critics (family members and Facebook friends who I imagine shudder every time I put myself out there with a new post or a silly video) in wondering what exactly it is that I’m up to in the world. Why do I keep embarrassing myself?
I don’t even know. I’ve lost sight of the reason. I’ve lost my passion, my vision. I’ve become lukewarm in almost every area of my life. I am a freaking people pleaser and I’m getting less and less okay with that (except I still want everyone to like me.)
I’m hiding behind so many layers that I can’t even find myself these days.
So bare with me, while I attempt to peel back these layers, rediscover my passion, and begin to bleed.
Does anybody have a band-aid?
Thanks for reading! Also, my little blurb at the bottom of the post has been updated, so please read. Thanks again!
If you’re struggling or dealing with a loved one in pain, check out What Every Person Can Do. It’s incredibly affordable. 12 weeks of support for what 1 hour of counseling would cost! But…and I know this firsthand, even reasonably priced is not an option sometimes, so don’t write this off. Partial and full scholarships are available for those that need them and are serious about going through the work. I’m creating a private Facebook group for anyone wishing to go through this online program starting in October. I’ll be going through it again too! We’ll have a safe space to share and discuss what we’re taking in. If you have questions for me, you can get in touch with me here.
