My experience of my marriage was that we had a pretty great one, one of the best in the history of mankind. Unfortunately, the story stopped being legen…wait for it…dary 8 years ago. I know it wasn’t a good experience for my husband by the 4 year mark. That’s when he told me he thought we should see a counselor, but I “heard” what he had to say, told him we were fine, and everything got better (for me, not for him.)
If there’s one lesson I’m 100% sure of, it’s if your partner mentions counseling, don’t dismiss it. RUN! Don’t walk.
I want to write about my marriage because it’s real. The struggle to be connected is real. The feelings feel real for both of us. There’s crap to deal with. I don’t want any of my writing on this topic to blame or shame anyone, myself included, which is really where most of those negative thoughts would be directed since I’m the one writing this.
Here’s where I sit today.
We both had different experiences of our marriage. We’ve made lots of happy memories over the years (I love those), but there’s also been a lot of pain and damage done on both our parts. Our excellent communication was not as excellent as I thought it was. We separated for 9 months in 2012 and then we made the decision to work on our marriage. Even at our worst, separated and in relationships with other people, we still cared for and encouraged each other to make good choices.
When we decided to recommit, we went to counseling for three weeks. The counselor told us we weren’t like other couples she’d worked with. She really said that. She praised our communication and respect for each other. She told us we were doing great and sent us on our merry way. Fast forward to today.
We’ve talked and agreed that our marriage lacks connection and we don’t know what to do about it. We like each other. I’d go so far as to say we love each other. We want to stay married, but we’re just not very connected.
Here’s my analysis. I feel like we both learned to live apart during those 9 months and since we’ve been back together, we’ve still been living separate lives. We just do our own thing and sometimes our paths cross. We’re both busy with life, which happens to all couples and is not unique to our situation. So my question is what do you do when life gets busy and you get disconnected from your partner, besides the obvious. My husband said it best jokingly, “We connect with our hearts, not with our parts.”
So, how can we get more connected? What are your suggestions? Seriously. Share your ideas by commenting below or come over to I Am A Powerful Woman and post them on the wall. I’ll compile a list and we’ll try them. This will be fun and it might just work.
Thanks for your help!