Tag Archives: marriage

I Went Crazy

This time last year, my life didn’t look much different than it does now. Our family was in the middle of a move, as we are now. I was settling into my job as a temp in a factory, making friends, and weighing every single possible educational/career option for my future during those long 12 hour shifts.

This time last year, I wrote a blog post about moving on. I declared that as we left our physical space, I was leaving my relationship baggage behind. We were starting fresh in a new home. We were going to be okay.

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While no one was watching, I grabbed a few of those “bags.” After a couple of months, I began searching through the contents. I pulled out an unresolved issue, waved it around, and then stuffed it back in the bag. A few weeks later, I pulled out another issue and went through the same routine. I have in fact spent the last year trying to divorce my husband. It’s become our joke. Before I leave for work, Jason will often ask, “Are you going to want to divorce me when you get home?”

I love joking around with Jason. The material from our lives over the last decade gives us both a ton of comedic material to pull from. I hope we always laugh with each other.

I recently read Love Warrior. One of the mantras the author applied to her life during a MAJOR transition was DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING.

Love Warrior | Making Decisions |

When Jason and I separated in 2012, I did NOT do the next right thing.

I did MOST OF THE THINGS you aren’t supposed to do in a separation. I broke common sense rules. I’m still so shocked by my actions.

When I came to my senses, I went on a mission to figure out where I went wrong. Where had my brain disappeared to in the months that followed the separation?

In my search, I got together with a couple of single women who appeared to have handled the transition better than I had. I was ready to learn.

“Are you acting…crazy?” one of them asked in a playful manner.

“YES!”

“Go to Barnes and Noble RIGHT NOW and get the book, Crazy Time. I’ve read it more than once.”

I did as I was instructed. I didn’t make it to the end of the book, but the beginning was about losing it, in one way or another, and how some people SNAP completely and go on to kill their exes or commit suicide…or both. I sure am glad I didn’t reach SNAP level crazy, just super poor decision making skills level crazy.

Why don’t people talk about this more?! It’s like we’ve all secretly agreed to not talk about this CRAZY TIME and other traumatic events and big feelings that follow.

Well thanks a lot people! I could’ve used the warning.

Consider this post your warning from me.

As you might imagine, a year of waving around those unresolved issues and living in limbo has taken its toll on both of us. It hasn’t all been bad. It never was. We’ve had more than enough happy moments to replace all of the bad ones.

So what happens next?

I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen, because plans change regularly around here, but as a family, we’re headed in a direction where healthy and happy is the goal for all seven of us. In the meantime, I have the opportunity to DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING daily. I think I’ll print that out and hang it everywhere, just in case I forget.

Taking action | decision making | Love Warrior | Crazy Time

Thanks for reading!

I happily encourage women to grow in their power daily at I Am A Powerful Woman. Come join the conversation there.

If you’re struggling or dealing with a loved one in pain, check out What Every Person Can Do.  It’s incredibly affordable.  12 weeks of support for what 1 hour of counseling would cost!  But…and I know this firsthand, even reasonably priced is not an option sometimes, so don’t write this off. Partial and full scholarships are available for those that need them and are serious about going through the work.

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The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I’ve felt blocked for months.  I’m going to share and see what happens.  That was my original intent anyway on this journey to personal power.  There are times when I feel like I’m supposed to have answers for my life that I don’t have and so I get quiet.  

Good, bad, ugly…I’m going to say where I am and how it’s affecting me.  You’ll either judge me and go away, or you’ll relate, or you’ll have something encouraging to share.  

Fear

The other day I saw an online article meant to induce panic.  It gave the scenario of a woman becoming friends with a man she didn’t know on Facebook, thinking that she’d probably met him somewhere and forgotten.  He seemed nice so she accepted his friend request.  Later on when she shared a post of her child, he took that picture and offered it to his sex trafficking customers.

HOLD THE PHONE!  

Needless to say I analyzed what I make public on my page and if I wanted to shut it down on the spot because it’s definitely not worth having one of my babies abducted over.

After calming down a little and further consideration, I thought about all of the millions of people using social media, including authors, bloggers, and YouTubers whose kids go un-abducted every day.  With my overprotective nature, my kids will continue to be as safe as they’ve always been and I can keep sharing through this creatively satisfying process of blogging and Facebook posting.

Don’t let FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real) keep YOU from enjoying what makes you happy. We can live in constant fear if we choose to, but fear and worry truly are misuses of our imaginations.  Let’s use our minds to create a beautiful present moment, instead of worrying it away.

We’re all interconnected.

It seems like every time I’ve thought about shutting down my page, in moments of self doubt, fear, or guilt (feeling like I’ve taken way too much time from my family for this time consuming, zero income producing hobby)…anyway times like these are when POWERFUL women seem to step out of the shadows and send a message letting me know that they appreciate the page.  That happened this morning and it’s always the boost I need to keep on keeping on.  THANK YOU to those of you who have sent messages or made encouraging comments!  I appreciate it more than you know!

My Life

It’s a mess, both literally and figuratively this week.  I am surrounded by boxes.  Four months ago we moved out of my brother in law’s house but didn’t move all of our stuff with us.  He recently got married to a wonderful woman and moved out too.  They’re selling his house and so we HAD to move the rest of our crap.  Jason wanted to throw it all away but I objected, so now I have to deal with it all.  I’m dealing with it by writing this post.  That works, right?

Our personal mess is upstairs and one third of Jason’s business is downstairs as he transitions from one building to another.  We’re up to our eyeballs in stuff.  I said I was sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The following picture is of Jason’s goods, but they don’t look so good piled up in our downstairs living room. Parts of our house look like an episode of Hoarders.

Possum Junk

Donald Trump

Don’t even get me started.

Marriage

Jason and Sarah Carousel

I said I was sharing good, bad, and ugly so…

My marriage has suffered the last few months and a lot of the problem has been my thinking about our marriage.  I’ve stirred pots and picked emotional scabs and…I started going to counseling a few weeks ago to break the cycle of my stinking thinking.

I’m a big fan of counseling.  We went to family counseling over the summer a few times and I was geeking out.  I LOVED IT and wondered why we hadn’t always been doing it.  I think my enjoyment of family counseling had something to do with my enjoyment of my family.  We’re all a bunch of goofballs and that means a lot of laughter, even in counseling.  These family sessions were being filmed because the two counselors were still under supervision..  One day on the way home, my 15 year old admitted to giving the camera random glances like Jim in The Office.

jim-halpert

NBC The Office

 

That’s comedy my friends.  I wonder what the “counselors in training” and their supervisor thought when they watched the video.

Back to marriage.  Marriage is T-O-U-G-H but our lifelong friendship, love for our family, and mutual disgust with Donald Trump make the load lighter and the days brighter.

Work

I’m still making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in a factory.  With Jason’s work picking up for the Spring and Summer, I’m able to go down to two days a week!  Yay!!!  That starts this week!  I’m looking forward to helping him out, being home more, and having more energy to put toward creative projects and having the What One Person Can Do conversation with POWERFUL women.  I actually have time to do that again!

The Future and Work

It’s up in the air.  I’m still thinking about going back to school.  I especially think about going back to school on Peanut Butter Jelly days.  It’s just a matter of fitting all the pieces together.

Kids

Saturday we took a road trip.  This is a normal event for us but it was not a normal day.  In the history of road trips, this one’s going down in the books as one of the worst.  Our girls were DIFFICULT.  By the end of the trip, Jason and I decided we’d just go alone next time.

We set out to go to an exotic animal auction to see zebras and camels.  We were about an hour late.  SHOCKER!  We paid $5 a head just to get in.  We missed the exotic animals, but a couple there had a little capuchin with them.  We did see a zdonk in with some plain old boring donkeys. We learned that one zebra sold for $10,000 and one of the camels sold for $20,000!!!

We watched a couple of miniature horses sell and walked around and looked at the normal animals.  I don’t know llamas from alpacas, but I’m pretty sure it wanted to eat me.

Exotic Animal Auction

I LOVE going places I’ve never been before and I LOVE taking the road less traveled.  We saw some of the most beautiful scenery…giant hills and deep valleys and cows grazing on steep hillsides.  As we were driving up and around one hill, there was a turn off onto another road.  We could see that second road down below us, making a wider curve around the hill.  It was such an interesting view of both roads.  I wish I’d taken a picture.

Road Trip

As much yelling and fighting as our girls did, there was the usual laughter and fun too.  Even though we came away from the road trip worn out and a bit frustrated, the experience wasn’t a total wash.

Road Trip 2

Why yes.  That is a two headed doll that we lovingly refer to as Two Baby.  Nora picked Two Baby out when she was four.  He/she resurfaced during all of this moving of STUFF. The whole family is sentimental about Two Baby. #BoucherStyle

The girls’ rough housing earlier in the day was bad enough that Amelia’s new earring came out. When we got back into town, my boys accompanied the two of us to the mall to get her ear re-pierced.  We ended up eating dinner at a sushi train.

Sushi Train

That was a fun meal, even though Amelia dropped a WHOLE PIECE of sushi onto the floor!

My boys LOVE sushi!  They DON’T love hanging out with their little sisters.  Every day with 3 little sisters is like living our road trip over and over and over again, so this dinner was especially nice. Chuck played Paper Rock Scissors with Amelia and attempted to teach her how to use chop sticks. Sam took over while Chuck and I finished eating.  They watched Youtube videos of animals to pass the time.  I’m a REALLY slow eater and Chuck was going to get as much sushi out of the deal as he could.

The night ended with the purchase of a new laptop.  I’ve been using the slowest computer known to POWERFUL woman kind.  This new one is so speedy!  Is it bad that I told Cortana to refer to me as YOUR HIGHNESS?  Maggie helped me come up with that 🙂

And now after months of silence…you’re all caught up.

Thanks for reading this lengthy post.  As I’m finishing it up, it seems fitting to end with the little things quote.

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”

-Robert Brault

Wishing you a heart full of love for yourself (in addition to all of the other people you love) peace, and joy in the little things in your own life!

Love,

Sarah


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Moving On

A year ago our family of 7 moved out of our 3 bedroom, 1 bath, 1,000 square foot home into my brother in law’s spacious old farm house on 5 acres. We’ve been renting the upstairs of the house while we attempted to save a chunk of cash.

It’s been a good year. There was lots of brother bonding time, lots of mini farm life fun with goats, chickens, turkeys, puppies, and a duck, and lots of zombie watching.

amelia and goatsThe year wasn’t all fun and zombies though. We had our share of drama. It’s hard sharing living space with another family. My brother in law was very brave to take on the chaos that is our family.

This past week Jason and I drove by a cute little house with a for rent sign in the window. There is a ridiculous shortage of decent rental property in our tiny town so we called right on the spot, met the homeowner within an hour, put down a deposit, and signed a lease the following day.

We are so excited about the new house! We’re excited about moving on.

Moving on can be sad or scary when it’s a move you didn’t choose for yourself, like losing your job, divorce, illness, or the death of a loved one. It can be really hard to do but it’s still necessary. We can choose to stay in the pain but that won’t be good for us and it won’t be good for anyone around us. So here are 3 of my personal goals for moving on.

1. BE PRESENT
Have fun.
Embrace the challenge.

I’m going to accept this sudden move in all it’s chaotic disorder. I’m going to relax. I’m going to do what I can each day to help it go smoothly, but I’m also going to take time to do things that bring me joy, like write this blog post, the 3rd one in 1 week!  And…make sure we have some Fall Break Fun with our kids.

2. BE THANKFUL

This past week a woman who lives in a house like this

big house

told me and my husband that she was embarrassed to tell her clients where she lives because they live in houses like this.

bigger house

Her housing dilemma helped me realize that the poorest of us spoiled Americans, myself included, can benefit from reality checks every so often so we can remember to be thankful for all we DO have. I’m choosing to be thankful for our little rental house with heat in the winter, cold in the summer, and clean drinking water. For the first time in 15 years, we’re going to have 2 toilets!!! The second potty doesn’t even come with a sink, but who cares?  I’ll be happy anywhere as long as I get to live with these goofballs.

boucher fam 2015

3. GET RID OF THE JUNK
This is an opportunity to get rid of our junk. Even though we got rid of bags and bags of toys, clothes, and kitchen gadgets we never used in our old house, we never fully unpacked here and then we collected even more stuff. We have an opportunity to weed out again, to take what we love and discard the rest.

Besides physical stuff, there’s emotional crap to leave behind as well. My husband and I separated in August of 2012 for 9 months. When we decided to reconcile, we merely coexisted for 1 ½ years. I wrote a couple of posts about it last year when I was exploring my feelings on how to go about reconnecting. This resulted in a “talk” in December about possibly calling it quits for good. At that point we made the decision to recommit. It’s been almost a year of connectedness, but I’ve been holding on to some of the relationship “junk.” I’m making a commitment to let it go and leave it behind. I’m looking forward to a fresh start in our new home where we’ve only ever loved and been committed to each other.

“Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.”

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While I’m leaving emotional junk behind, I’m going to leave as much as I can bag up and throw away (which it just occurred to me that we can choose to do this EVERY DAY if we’ll only remember to do so.)

When I leave this house, I’m choosing to see myself as a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, ready to soar. I’m leaving my feelings of insecurity, guilt, and failure in the cocoon. I’m enough. I’m enough every day and so are you! We don’t have to carry old baggage around with us.

That baggage is a story. It may be a story based on actual events but it’s still a story. It may be a story you are telling yourself or it may be a story that someone else has been telling you your whole life about WHO YOU ARE and how you do things, but you can choose to change the story at any point as many times as you want to, EVERY DAY even. You are not stuck! You have the power to write your story and make it beautiful. Don’t give your power away. Don’t let anyone else write your story. If it’s not a happy one, for Pete’s sake, change it. Only you can.

If you want to change your story but don’t know how or where to start, I encourage you to consider What Every Person Can Do.  I’m here to answer questions and support you any way I can!

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Always Do Your Best-This Marriage Stuff Part 2

Jason and Sarah 2014Last week I wrote about my marriage (click here to read that) and asked for pointers on getting more connected to the man I share my life with and have been friends with for over half my life.  I really appreciate all of you who shared your thoughts.  I’m condensing them here and hitting the highlights.

Jacqui-

“I advise you treat your marriage sacred like God intended and be grateful for what you have versus what you don’t, and definitely keep your marriage issues private between you, God and your husband…Good luck, you two will be in my prayers!”

Glenda-

My vote is that you go back to that therapist and start where you are at this moment. If an intersection is blocked, walking around drinking coffee and holding hands will not clear the path–although, walking and holding hands are excellent ways to approach the de-construction.

Cari-

Remember that marriage is a call to teach God’s love to the foreign culture we call our husband. Sometimes i have to step back and try to figure out how to relate to him. Sometimes I have to step back and give him room. What helps most of all is to remember the good times and try to get him to do the same. “Remember when we met?” is a good starter.

Bridget-

…we actually just started communicating better when I got ill. We threw everything right out on the table for one another, no matter how bad or heartbreaking it was. That night showed us how much we actually love and care about each other.

Nancy

It’s little things that matter. Take some time each day to show him you appreciate him. Maybe set up a regular date so you guys can connect. Sharing a cup of coffee in the morning or allowing a half hour of uninterrupted time for each other in the evening.

Janice-

You remember what drew you to him in the first place. Oh, and going to the beach is nice, if not, go for a long walk…..without kids.

Kerri-

Kiss. 15 seconds, no less every day. Even if you don’t want to. Carve out fifteen minutes of alone time together. Even if it is a walk or a coffee. I constantly feel disconnected with so many kids and a full time job, and my husbands PTSD. It is a struggle….but!!! When something is as important as marriage you do everything to keep it from being tarnished—you polish it every day.

Here’s what happened after that post.  I started thinking there were steps I could follow to fix our marriage.  I also started searching for that feeling of re-connection and happiness from him which led to some creepy neediness from me.  It felt horrible.  I don’t want to do THAT to me or him again.  I’m sure I’ll slip up and end up there from time to time, but I sure as heck hope I catch it sooner than I did this past week.  He lovingly saw me through it but we’re both exhausted and it didn’t make us feel any more connected.

Anyway, here’s what I ultimately learned and know to be true from my little visit to CRAZY TOWN.

No amount of kind words or thoughtful actions on either of our parts will fix anything or make the other person feel complete or loved.  Those activities are nice and should be done daily, but we both have to do the work of being completely happy and whole on our own to enjoy a happy healthy relationship, free of neediness, grudges, finger pointing, or guilt and shame.

The ONLY thing either one of us can do is DO OUR BEST each day to work on ourselves and be nice to our partner.  We’ve agreed that this is the best course of action, doing our best, which made me think about The Four Agreements because the fourth agreement is Always Do Your Best.

Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I’ve decided to give away a copy of the book in January to a member of the POWERFUL Woman community (The P-dub Hub.)  To become an official member of the community and be entered into each month’s give away automatically, just fill in the form below.

Goodnight and good luck from the Kentucky Lottery!

Wait!  That’s the wrong sign off.  Let me try again.

My name is Sarah Boucher and I approve this message.

Join below!!!  I’m throwing in a little something besides the book as well.  I just haven’t decided what yet 🙂

 

 

 

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Trouble in Paradise-This Marriage Stuff

Boucher Family Pic 2014This marriage stuff is a lot harder than I thought it was. We’re almost 17 years into this and I’m scratching my head wondering what we can do to make it a happier and healthier relationship.

My experience of my marriage was that we had a pretty great one, one of the best in the history of mankind.  Unfortunately, the story stopped being legen…wait for it…dary 8 years ago.  I know it wasn’t a good experience for my husband by the 4 year mark.  That’s when he told me he thought we should see a counselor, but I “heard” what he had to say, told him we were fine, and everything got better (for me, not for him.)

If there’s one lesson I’m 100% sure of, it’s if your partner mentions counseling, don’t dismiss it.  RUN!  Don’t walk.

I want to write about my marriage because it’s real.  The struggle to be connected is real.  The feelings feel real for both of us.  There’s crap to deal with.  I don’t want any of my writing on this topic to blame or shame anyone, myself included, which is really where most of those negative thoughts would be directed since I’m the one writing this.

Here’s where I sit today.

We both had different experiences of our marriage.  We’ve made lots of happy memories over the years (I love those), but there’s also been a lot of pain and damage done on both our parts.  Our excellent communication was not as excellent as I thought it was.  We separated for 9 months in 2012 and then we made the decision to work on our marriage.  Even at our worst, separated and in relationships with other people, we still cared for and encouraged each other to make good choices.

When we decided to recommit, we went to counseling for three weeks.  The counselor told us we weren’t like other couples she’d worked with.  She really said that.  She praised our communication and respect for each other.  She told us we were doing great and sent us on our merry way.  Fast forward to today.

We’ve talked and agreed that our marriage lacks connection and we don’t know what to do about it.  We like each other.  I’d go so far as to say we love each other.  We want to stay married, but we’re just not very connected.

Here’s my analysis.  I feel like we both learned to live apart during those 9 months and since we’ve been back together, we’ve still been living separate lives.  We just do our own thing and sometimes our paths cross.  We’re both busy with life, which happens to all couples and is not unique to our situation.  So my question is what do you do when life gets busy and you get disconnected from your partner, besides the obvious.  My husband said it best jokingly, “We connect with our hearts, not with our parts.”

So, how can we get more connected?  What are your suggestions?  Seriously.  Share your ideas by commenting below or come over to I Am A Powerful Woman and post them on the wall.  I’ll compile a list and we’ll try them.  This will be fun and it might just work.

Thanks for your help!

Sarah

 

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Powerful Relationships Create Powerful Women

Powerful Relationships Create Powerful Women
By Heather Grant

“Non nobis solum nati sumus.”
(We are not born for ourselves alone.)
― Cicero

Often times when we seek out and are nurturing relationships, we are looking for someone to make us happy. This seems to be the world’s view of dating, marriage, and friendships. Find someone who can make me happy! The funny thing is to become truly happy we have to become less focused on me and more focused on the person we are trying to nurture a relationship with.

Sometimes as women we sit around waiting. Waiting to be asked on a date or for our husband to get a clue and bring us flowers. We wait for our kids to start treating us with respect, or for our friends to ask us out to lunch or give us a call to see how we are doing. Instead of waiting, it is time to take the power back into our own hands and begin doing and creating the life and relationships that we desire. In order to become powerful women we need to create powerful relationships.

Before I started my own business, I was a stay at home mom and I was totally wrapped up in my own life and challenges. When I began my own business, I was amazed at how many strong relationships and deep meaningful friendships I did NOT have! I was so wrapped up in my own life and problems that I didn’t reach out to other women in sincere friendship and support. Through building my own business and with lots of hard work and personal development, I am happy to say I have completely changed all that.

There is an object lesson I love. Take a single pencil and you can break it in half easily but when you bundle several pencils together they become unbreakable. They are strong and powerful when supported. Each of us needs those loving relationships in our lives and it is up to us to use the power within ourselves and create them. Sometimes this is easy and sometimes it requires us to sacrifice what we want and what we think will make us happy and to put someone else’s happiness first. Let me give you an example.

Jarom and Heather Grant

My husband and I try to go on dates regularly, and even after being married for several years, we struggle to come up with things to do on date night that we are both happy with. We finally settled on a compromise. He gets to choose the date one week, and then the next time we go out, it is my turn. He usually chooses to go fishing or hiking or something “manly”. I usually choose to eat out and watch a chick flick.

The fact is, I hate fishing! You get wet, cold and muddy. You usually don’t catch fish so it is extremely boring. Then, if by sheer luck, my hubby happens to catch a fish, he gives it to me to hold, so he can continue fishing. The fish flails and flings mud and slime all over me and scares me to death. Then it dies, which breaks my heart, and he cleans all the guts and blood out. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! I get eaten by mosquitoes and end up cold, muddy, and smelling all fishy-like. The funny thing is, that as much as I HATE fishing, I LOVE fishing with my husband because I know he loves it. He carries me across the river in the deep parts, and the look on his face when he actually catches a fish is truly priceless! He is so proud of himself! He holds that fish up high for me to see and gets this whole caveman attitude of, “See woman, me catch fish, we eat fish, I am man.” It is hilarious! I get the best feeling spending time with him when I am doing the things that I know he enjoys and makes him the happiest. My best dates are the ones when he chooses what we get to do. But, please, please, don’t tell him, because I want to eat out and watch a chick flick now and again too!

We need to quit waiting for our spouse or friends to spoil us and make us happy. Instead we need to try to spoil them and make them happy. The truth is that when you do this YOU find true joy and happiness! Instead of looking for business prospects to make us money, we need to seek to serve and support those we do business with and add value to their lives. When we do this it goes full circle and blesses our own lives financially.

To find true happiness we have to become less focused on me and more focused on the person we are trying to nurture a relationship with. Bring that hubby a treat to his work or slip him a kind note or text. Take your children to the park or read them that favorite book again and then again. Message that girl friend you have lost touch with, or better yet, give her a call and catch up. We can all think of a friend we love and have lost touch with. We lead fast paced, busy lives so we have to make it a priority to place a phone call or two and schedule that lunch date or girls night out. It is time to take power back into our own hands and begin doing and creating the life and relationships that we desire. As we seek to serve and make other people happy,we find true joy, satisfaction, and happiness.

10-6-2013 Heather Grant 112 (1)

About the Author
Heather loves reading, writing, and public speaking. She works as a wellness advocate selling doTERRA essentials oils. She focuses on helping people with physical, emotional, and financial health and well being. Heather married Jarom Grant, on August 2, 2002, in the Manti LDS temple for time and all eternity. They reside in Duchesne, Utah, with their five children. To find out more about Heather’s story or about her work as a wellness advocate check out this link.

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