I want to be drunk ALL THE TIME.
First off…my mom raised me better than this.
(The picture is from The Greatest Victory and the first video I made…Lol)
My life is probably too much of an open book, but I’ve said in the recent past I’m going to be true to who I am, and if that means some people need to walk away, I’ll learn to deal.
Last night after work, my friend Amador and I went out for drinks. I’ve never understood the appeal of alcohol or why anyone would ever want to get drunk and deal with a hangover the next day.
Jason started drinking beer daily before we separated. He didn’t get drunk. It was just annoying to me because of the expense. I judged him pretty hard and even counted bottles. The EXPENSE!
When I quit being a nag, I’d taste the different beer he brought home and tease him that it all tasted like saltine crackers. He’d sit down with a pack of saltine crackers and drink a beer. Kind of redundant in my opinion.
Since the separation I’ve dabbled in different fruity drinks and had a buzz 3 or 4 times. I’ve wondered at what point a person is considered drunk. I even Googled it one night with my bottle of coconut rum.
Well I found out last night. I had 2 Bahama Mama’s on an empty stomach. As I sat there laughing and thoroughly enjoying myself I said, “I used to feel like this all the time.”
I did! I used to feel THAT in love with life on a regular basis even in the middle of crappy circumstances – very little money, a marriage falling apart, the stress of raising a house full of kids, and trying to find myself.
I don’t really want to be drunk all the time. My tiny hangover this morning helped me recognize that, but I do want to get back into the head space where I experience that drunk on life feeling.
Life has been such a turd this last decade that I truly believe it will never be as I would have it, but that’s neither here nor there. Even in the middle of the occasional disappointments and chaos, I get to choose to feel defeated or to look around at my blessings and make a plan for the day that will leave me feeling giddy about life.
If I did it once, I can do it again.
I called Bill yesterday. He asked me how I was. I teared up and said, “Not great. I should’ve called a couple of months ago.”
I poured out my little broken heart. He offered reassurance as to my humanness and told me to, “Get the (air) hug,” and I told him I’d call him when I got off work.
Forgetting my intent to call, I got drunk instead.
I’m glad I did. To momentarily feel such elation was the perfect reminder that I didn’t used to need alcohol to accomplish that feeling.
I called Bill this morning to wrap up yesterday’s conversation. I told him about my drunken revelation and said I realize my lack of discipline where daily self care is concerned is the missing link between the way I’ve experienced life recently compared to 5 years ago..
He ended the call by saying, “We’re friends for life,” and reminded me that he’s here for me any time.
I so wish YOU had the opportunity to know Bill too. If you did, he’d make the same statements of love and support to you, but you know me instead so I’ll have to share what he’s taught me as I relearn it.
For me to move forward and not be a complete victim of my thinking as I’ve been the last couple of years, there’s 2 main ingredients.
The 1st thought to let in is that I’m loved unconditionally by at least one person. (I’m blessed enough to have more than one person love me this way.) By letting in that unconditional love means just that and it isn’t going anywhere, no matter what crazy choices I make or don’t make, I’ve been able to experience that my value in the world is indeed undisputed, as is yours and everyone else’s. I forget from time to time. This unconditional love is also a pretty great example of God’s love for us. (Check out the book Real Love.)
The 2nd step is to reflect on a few Self Care thoughts to get myself grounded as my day starts.
- Everything is a miracle. (Life is a gift.)
- Everything is interconnected. (Every word we speak and action we take makes a difference- good or bad.)
- The ONLY thing I have ANY control over is how I CHOOSE to be in the world today. (As much as I’d like to orchestrate the events of my life, it just doesn’t work that way. But I get to choose how to react to what life throws my way.)
And then a 4th thought that’s been useful for me is to be gentle with myself, to treat myself with same love and compassion I show everybody else. I really need to remember this one especially as of late. I’ve been ridiculously hard on myself and I wouldn’t dare be this way with anybody else.
So life is not as I’d have it here and now, but there is still MUCH to be thankful for and I can only do what I can to make each day a little brighter for myself and others.
Thanks for the reminder Bahama Mama!
I’m looking forward to going through life tipsy on LOVE and all things good.
You can experience the goodness of Bill’s work through his online course What Every Person Can Do. It’s the next best thing to knowing him personally 🙂
If you have questions about the online course or if you’d be interested in going through the one on one course with me, you can message me.