It was 2016. I read some clever articles by Glennon Doyle and one in particular stood out. It was something to the effect of, “Sometimes sisters choose to leave and sometimes sisters choose to stay.”
I made the choice to stay in 2013. I wanted all the justification for this drama I continued to put myself through that was available.
In the article, Glennon was promoting her book, Love Warrior. Love Warrior is Glennon’s story of staying.
I ordered my copy but while I waited for my copy to come, Glennon made the announcement that her marriage to her husband Craig ended.
I had a gut feeling that reading her book would lead to me making a similar decision. I was honestly nervous to start reading but knew I needed encouragement from someone who had walked down a similar path.
I was tired of conversations with other women who told me I was a better woman than they were. They boldly proclaimed they would never stay in that scenario. I didn’t feel like a better woman after those conversations. I felt convicted and… like I was making a weak move. Was I setting a bad example for my children by staying?
Two-thirds of the way through the book, I knew my marriage was done.
Glennon shared how after she and Craig split up, he fought to win her back. He did everything in his power to show he cared. It didn’t work at the time, but he did it anyway. He was pursuing her and their family.
I cried at the realization that I was not being pursued. I was, in fact, the one pursuing.
Shortly after finishing the book, I gave Jason an ultimatum. We could go to counseling and get help or call it quits.
We went to one counseling appointment and that was it. In that meeting, the therapist asked us both how we experienced love from the other person. I said I didn’t, and he admitted that he hadn’t been looking to give or receive love for years. Case closed.
Thanks a lot, Glennon.
No, seriously.
I don’t think it’s wrong for couples to stay together to work through marital problems if it’s both people working toward healing. That’s the best-case scenario.
Divorce is messy and draining and six years later, I’m still feeling big emotions about my marriage falling apart. It’s not a decision to rush into.
A self-care thought I often reflect on is EVERYTHING IS INTERCONNECTED. Our words and actions ripple out into the world. The Melton’s divorce story really did impact my heart to the point that I took action toward ending my marriage.
Isn’t that crazy?!
We are ALL interconnected.
I have made some great friendships through this 12-year I Am a Powerful Woman journey. I’ve been encouraged by the women who have interacted with my posts over the years and from time to time, I get messages that I’ve encouraged them.
Yesterday I put together a Facebook Group for single moms and former single moms who want to encourage those of us navigating single-mom waters. It’s called Single Moms Empowerment Community and I’d love to have you be part of it if you fall into one of those two categories. Follow this link and let’s interconnect.
More Joy. More Peace. More Power.
Category: Single Mom
Last night, I sat in Shoe Carnival with a box of work boots in my lap and teared up. My 40 hour a week job reduced our hours by an entire day or two a week. In a bit of a panic, I called all the temporary work agencies in my area and secured a spot in a different production setting. I miss selling life insurance.
There’s been a knot in my stomach since yesterday and tears well up at certain thoughts.
I’m disappointed by so many aspects of my life.
I’m disappointed my marriage didn’t work out, disappointed with my bank account, disappointed about having to start another new job, disappointed with my spiritual journey, disappointed with the job I did raising five children (They suffered because I didn’t do a better job at adulting.) I’m disappointed with my weak thoughts that beckon me to make poor life choices.
How quickly I went from feeling super inspired a few days ago to wanting to give up today. When I say give up, it sounds quite dramatic. I don’t want to end my life, but I would love to take a big break from this heavy burden. I feel weary.
“Anyone can give up; it is the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would expect you to fall apart, now that is true strength.”
the way of the sword
― Chris Bradford
I spent some time analyzing my negative headspace and here are five thoughts that helped me regain perspective and get some peace.
There are ALWAYS choices available.
I’m not stuck in my current circumstances. As stuck as I may feel, I always have choices available, even if my choice is to do nothing. This applies to what I do with the rest of my day and the larger picture.
This is temporary.
“The only constant in life is change.” I won’t always work the job I start tomorrow. I have a plan, and this is a small part of that plan. I can handle the discomfort for a little while knowing it’s temporary.
Am I safe? I am.
In this moment, I’m okay. There isn’t anyone banging down my door to take my money, drag me off to jail, or end my life. I can calm down and take care of what needs to be taken care of tonight. I can get present.
I’m not alone.
Other women have walked this single mom journey before me and there are hundreds of thousands of women walking it beside me now.
I’m not alone in my home. There are three children under my roof who could use some love and attention right this very minute.
I’m not alone in my life. I can reach out to friends and family and ask for help, emotionally and tangibly. Support is one text or call away.
There’s no guarantee of tomorrow.
With that being said, how do I wish to go about the rest of today? Do I want to mope and bring my kids down with me or do I want to create a productive evening, with some quality kid time built in?
What are your go to thoughts for getting out of a funk? I’d love to hear them. Leave a comment.
The other night, I was feeling so flat. My girls left earlier that morning for their weekly 3 night stretch with their dad. I’m always low that first day they’re away. I haven’t figured out how to be a part time mom yet or much of anything about single life. This crap is challenging.
I called my mom and asked her to accompany me to a laundromat while I washed my comforter. We talked while I watched the suds and flower comforter swirl around in the oversized machine.
“I think I missed my calling as a laundromat attendant.”
My mom laughed.
She’s a retired therapist. We talked about her new apartment, my kids, our spiritual journey, laundry…
On our way to get ice cream afterward, I told her that I felt like I was being a big baby because I can’t seem to move beyond all of these feelings of loss and grief and I know there are people with major problems and mine pale in comparison.
She posed this question. “Imagine you lost your leg. Would that hurt?”
I’m sure I said something like, “Yeah. Of course.”
“And then you met someone who lost both of their legs. Would that make the loss of your own leg any less painful?”
She then listed some of the painful events I’ve experienced in my life, from my Dad’s illness over the course of my childhood and his passing, all the way up to my marital problems and the end of that relationship. She listed the concerns that weigh on me daily and the struggles I’m currently facing and then commended me on being a survivor.
While this didn’t make my concerns vanish, I walked away from the visit feeling loved and seen.
To Be Seen
To be seen is huge. There are a few conversations that stand out in my memory where someone told me that they saw me and it really had an impact on me.
The phrase To Be Seen keeps running through my mind, but really To Be Acknowledged is probably an easier way to express what I’m trying to say.
I feel like, especially in a marriage, one of the biggest desires either spouse has is to have their efforts acknowledged and to feel appreciated. Everyone is doing their part to take care of the relationship, household, and family, but those efforts most often go unseen, unappreciated.
Even outside of a marriage, what about in the workplace? Doesn’t everyone want to be seen and appreciated for their contribution? Don’t employees want their bosses to value the work they do and all the money they make for the company?
What about in any relationship ever? Parents and children, friends, you name it. We all just want to be valued.
So let’s do that for each other. Let’s SEE the woman behind the cash register, the man at the drive thru window, our co workers, our significant others, our children…our parents.
Just a thought. Take it or leave it. I hope you take it and I also hope that you can feel that even though I can’t physically see you, I SEE YOU. I know that you’re out there today, doing what you do, with your whole heart for the people you love. I SEE YOU.
Sarah Boucher happily encourages women to grow in their power daily at I Am A Powerful Woman. Come join the conversation there.
Dear POWERFUL Woman,
You AMAZE me in ALL THE WAYS!
I see such strength in you. You’re a freakin role model for single women and single moms everywhere…even the not single women. You’re a role model for all of us.
As a young mom, you worked your butt off to provide for your girls. Now you’re raising your grandchildren.
You own your own home, which you’ve remodeled and worked on yourself…I can’t believe you tore a wall down and redid your floors!
I have no idea how you manage to work 12 hour shifts, keep your home clean and organized…and your pool water clear! And all of this…all of this you do on a budget. You’ve worked hard to be on top of your finances and that’s impressive too.
It’s one thing to be able to accomplish all of that, but I see more. I see you actively trying to meet the emotional needs of your grand kids. Working on behavior…doing EVERYTHING in your power to have a good relationship with them and have them grow up to be well adjusted men.
I don’t see you looking to men to fix problems in your life. I don’t see different men walking in and out of your door to fill the loneliness–the stupid loneliness that causes sane women do make insane choices. I know you’re tired and you’d like a partner, but you’re not settling for anything less than what you deserve.
And one of the things I like best is that you model Self Care. You make time to relax every night by soaking your tired body in the tub. You bought the camper so that you could get out and enjoy your family. You didn’t wait until some day when everything sorts itself out. Some day when the drama dies down. You did it now and it’s been fun watching you get out and enjoy yourself.
I don’t know how you do ALL of this and make time to be one of the best friends I’ve ever had…and most of the time, you do it with a smile on your face and laughing.
I remember my brother in law telling me that he saw me. He saw me working hard and trying. That meant the world to me…to be seen by someone.
Thanks for being such a great example. I hope to follow in your steps…to be strong for myself and for my kids, to do the right thing, instead of what feels good momentarily. YOU ROCK, POWERFUL WOMAN. I see you.
I’ve been thinking about writing letters to the women who inspire me for a couple of weeks now, so thanks for taking time to read this first one. If you want to honor a POWERFUL Woman in your life, feel free to leave a shout out in the comments here or over on Facebook. I’d be happy to share them with the Powerful Woman community.
LET’S CONNECT!
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