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Tag: Overcome Your Insecurities

Always Do Your Best-This Marriage Stuff Part 2

Jason and Sarah 2014Last week I wrote about my marriage (click here to read that) and asked for pointers on getting more connected to the man I share my life with and have been friends with for over half my life.  I really appreciate all of you who shared your thoughts.  I’m condensing them here and hitting the highlights.

Jacqui-

“I advise you treat your marriage sacred like God intended and be grateful for what you have versus what you don’t, and definitely keep your marriage issues private between you, God and your husband…Good luck, you two will be in my prayers!”

Glenda-

My vote is that you go back to that therapist and start where you are at this moment. If an intersection is blocked, walking around drinking coffee and holding hands will not clear the path–although, walking and holding hands are excellent ways to approach the de-construction.

Cari-

Remember that marriage is a call to teach God’s love to the foreign culture we call our husband. Sometimes i have to step back and try to figure out how to relate to him. Sometimes I have to step back and give him room. What helps most of all is to remember the good times and try to get him to do the same. “Remember when we met?” is a good starter.

Bridget-

…we actually just started communicating better when I got ill. We threw everything right out on the table for one another, no matter how bad or heartbreaking it was. That night showed us how much we actually love and care about each other.

Nancy

It’s little things that matter. Take some time each day to show him you appreciate him. Maybe set up a regular date so you guys can connect. Sharing a cup of coffee in the morning or allowing a half hour of uninterrupted time for each other in the evening.

Janice-

You remember what drew you to him in the first place. Oh, and going to the beach is nice, if not, go for a long walk…..without kids.

Kerri-

Kiss. 15 seconds, no less every day. Even if you don’t want to. Carve out fifteen minutes of alone time together. Even if it is a walk or a coffee. I constantly feel disconnected with so many kids and a full time job, and my husbands PTSD. It is a struggle….but!!! When something is as important as marriage you do everything to keep it from being tarnished—you polish it every day.

Here’s what happened after that post.  I started thinking there were steps I could follow to fix our marriage.  I also started searching for that feeling of re-connection and happiness from him which led to some creepy neediness from me.  It felt horrible.  I don’t want to do THAT to me or him again.  I’m sure I’ll slip up and end up there from time to time, but I sure as heck hope I catch it sooner than I did this past week.  He lovingly saw me through it but we’re both exhausted and it didn’t make us feel any more connected.

Anyway, here’s what I ultimately learned and know to be true from my little visit to CRAZY TOWN.

No amount of kind words or thoughtful actions on either of our parts will fix anything or make the other person feel complete or loved.  Those activities are nice and should be done daily, but we both have to do the work of being completely happy and whole on our own to enjoy a happy healthy relationship, free of neediness, grudges, finger pointing, or guilt and shame.

The ONLY thing either one of us can do is DO OUR BEST each day to work on ourselves and be nice to our partner.  We’ve agreed that this is the best course of action, doing our best, which made me think about The Four Agreements because the fourth agreement is Always Do Your Best.

Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I’ve decided to give away a copy of the book in January to a member of the POWERFUL Woman community (The P-dub Hub.)  To become an official member of the community and be entered into each month’s give away automatically, just fill in the form below.

Goodnight and good luck from the Kentucky Lottery!

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My name is Sarah Boucher and I approve this message.

Join below!!!  I’m throwing in a little something besides the book as well.  I just haven’t decided what yet 🙂

 

 

 

The Greatest Victory

The Greatest Victory

There is a battle that rages daily in our homes. Each life is effected differently but EVERYONE is touched. There is no escape and it’s not a battle that anyone can fight for you or that you will be able to fight for those you care about.

If the battle is not won, some may be held hostage their entire lives, self worth will never be discovered, dreams will never be realized, and lives will be half lived. This is actually a very serious problem and extends beyond the surface I am scratching here. It’s the reason we struggle in any given area of our lives from being disorganized to struggling to live a healthier lifestyle to you name it. This battle is the battle of the mind.

It is constant, as you know, but there is hope. Peace among the inner voices is indeed possible.

“I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.” –Aristotle

I had so much fun making this short YouTube video below. In it, I share a couple of tips that have been useful to me in going into battle against myself.

I Am A Powerful Woman | Sarah Boucher | Self Talk
SELF TALK Video

In the comments below the video, I’d love to hear about any secret weapons you’ve used that have been effective in the battle you’ve been fighting. We’re all in different places. You may be home from the battle of the mind a disciplined, self confident, victorious warrior. Please share any resources you know will help the rest of us.

If you like the video, please share it with your friends and be sure to subscribe to my channel to see more.

Until next time, keep growing in your POWER.

Sarah

Are You Afraid?

Fear

Are You Afraid?

“Some mornings you just need to punch fear in the face & tell it to shut up! Go past the emotions & don’t look back! Then, make it habit!”
~Sandi Krakowski

I didn’t eat much for a couple of years, as a child, because I was terrified of being poisoned. My mom had to take the first bite of any food I was afraid to eat to get me to eat it. She ended up taking me to a psychologist because I started looking malnourished.

My dad was diagnosed with MS when I was four and all of the unknown about what was going on around me, manifested itself in me being afraid of EVERYTHING. The psychologist encouraged my dad to spend one on one time with me. I eventually started eating properly again.

My irrational fears, while not as intense as they were during that period of my life, followed me into adulthood. The fear went from being afraid of being poisoned, to being afraid of a house fire (I was so scared any time Smokey the Bear came to school to talk about fire prevention), to being afraid my mom wouldn’t come home after work. As I got older I feared being raped. As a young adult, I had anxiety about severe weather. After that fear subsided, I felt like life was going too good and every time the phone rang, I was afraid it was going to be bad news, because how long could this happy time possibly last?

Do you know how many times the things I have obsessively worried about have actually happened? Like once! and I survived.

What changed?

Stay tuned

When I was 21, I had a few small panic attacks following a big hail storm. I got to a place where I wasn’t functioning properly on days there was a threat of severe weather. I’d pass up opportunities to get out with my 3 year old and socialize. Instead I would just stay home and hide from the clouds. I went to talk to a counselor about my fear. She reassured me that I wasn’t the only one in town traumatized by that storm.

At some point I noticed that our local weathermen like to create a lot of drama about potential severe weather, because they don’t see a lot of action here. Because of our karst topography, we don’t get the severe weather that other parts of the state and country get. I came to the realization that I can’t do anything about severe weather one way or the other. I HATED the way it felt to be afraid, so I quit watching the weather. I also felt like being terrified didn’t show much trust in God and why would anyone want to become a Christian if Christians were so afraid? There was also a coming to terms with the fact that I am going to die one day and if that’s how it’s going to happen, then that’s how it’s going to happen, (but more than likely it wouldn’t happen in my hometown so I could quit worrying about it so much.)

The second big shift came about 3 years ago. I was listening to Steve Chandler talk about how much energy people spend worrying about things that DO NOT ever happen. That audio gave me permission to quit being so fearful. It was exactly what I needed to hear. He went on to say that we can use that same amount of energy to create solutions and take action to improve situations that we can actually do something about. If there is nothing that can be done, we can focus our energy in a different direction besides worry. Do what you can and then MOVE ON.

The ONLY thing I can control is how I CHOOSE to BE in the world today. I have absolutely ZERO control over anything or anyone but myself.

If someone who spent as many years being afraid as I did can overcome fear then I KNOW you can too!

A Self Care routine is helpful in overcoming fearful thoughts as well. It’s a daily reminder that this day is a gift and you get to choose whether to live it in fear or bravely facing your fear. Read more about Self Care here.

Thanks so much for reading. I’d love to hear your thoughts about this post. Come over to facebook and let me hear em!
Sarah Boucher blog picture

Sarah Boucher happily encourages women to find their power daily at I Am A Powerful Woman. Come join the conversation there. If you are interested in learning more about What One Person Can Do or one on one coaching, you can contact Sarah here.

You Don’t Have to Apologize

Andy Andrews quote

You Don’t Have to Apologize
I have been known to take responsibility and apologize for many things that are not my fault. I was dubbed Sorry Sarah in fourth grade because I constantly said, “I’m sorry.”

It was not until I apologized for walking near someone in the grocery store (I wasn’t even in the way) that I realized I had a problem.

That day I got mad. I wasn’t less of a person. There was NO reason for me to lower my head and apologize for breathing the same air as this gentleman. It was on this day that my quest for higher self esteem began.

If you happen to think, “Hey! That’s me too,” I have good news for you!
You don’t have to apologize anymore, unless you want to.

Four Thoughts to Turn Your Thinking Around

I am very fortunate to have a therapist in my family, so I went straight to my mom and said, “How do I feel better about myself?”

I was going through a really tough time in my life. I was having trouble in my marriage. I felt like I had no idea who I was and why I felt so bad about myself—why I felt like less of a person.

My therapist mother told me to start with The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word

“Avoid using words to speak against yourself, or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love, always.”

Working on mastering the first agreement was what turned it all around for me and my self esteem started improving. When I noticed that I was beating myself up, I was able to correct it and use my words “in the direction of truth and love.”

You don’t have to apologize for taking up space when you realize you have value in the world.
YOU DO HAVE VALUE!

2. DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

“Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”

There is great relief in learning not to take the negative actions of others personally when their actions seem directed at you. It is their drama, not yours.

3. DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Don’t assume other people know what you are thinking and don’t assume you know what they are thinking.

“We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.”

4. ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

“Just do your best–in any circumstance in your life. It doesn’t matter if you are sick or tired, if you always do your best there is no way you can judge yourself. And if you don’t judge yourself there is no way you are going to suffer from guilt, blame, and self-punishment. By always doing your best, you will break a big spell you have been under.”

I am bound and determined that the words Sorry Sarah will NOT be on my gravestone!

“My life will not be an apology. It will be a statement.”-Andy Andrews

You don’t have to apologize for your dreams!

You don’t have to apologize for being you!

Grab a copy of The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) Break the old agreements you have with yourself and replace them with these life changing ones!

I would love for you to come connect with me at I Am A Powerful Woman.

Sarah
I Am A Powerful Woman

Overcome Your Insecurities!

I was born insecure–well not really, but it seems like I was always that way.  I wanted to be accepted by other people.  At a slumber party, as a ten year old, a friend told me I smelled like strawberries and cigarette smoke.  I was so embarrassed and sad.  As soon as I got home I made a major effort to keep my bedroom door closed so my clothes wouldn’t smell like smoke ever again.  When I was about 14, a girl hollered down the hallway when she saw my white white legs, “Hey Sarah!  That’s why they have tanning beds!”  I don’t believe I ever wore shorts to school again and still don’t like them too much.  With the 100+ degree temperatures we have had this weekend if I owned a pair, I would be wearing them for sure though.

After the birth of my fourth child, I went through a depression that lasted about a year, not as bad as postpartum but unpleasant nevertheless.  I was completely overwhelmed with a new baby, homeschooling my 2 oldest, and keeping up with a toddler.  My little boys got used to the frequent melt downs and knew that when I had one, we wouldn’t be homeschooling that day.  They started looking forward to their free days.  One day I was sitting in my bed crying to a friend on the phone, and it occurred to me that I was NOT functioning.

I hit rock bottom emotionally when my husband and I almost separated a year later.  I remember feeling like I was NOTHING.  I knew I was blessed with healthy kids and a husband who loved me and wanted to work things out, but all of it threw me for a big loop.  It’s handy to have a mom whose day job is a therapist.  I called her and asked her if there was a way to work on my confidence.  She told me about The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

The first agreement is be impeccable with your word.  Don’t use your words to hurt yourself or others.

I later learned how our mind believes that what we tell it is true.

About two and a half years ago I really started applying the first agreement in my life.  I got sick of the self abuse I was putting myself through every time I made a mistake.  I remember giving myself a verbal lashing and stopping myself in mid sentence.  “No.  That’s not true.  I am a powerful woman.”  I made a choice to be nice to myself that day–to change the message.  When I caught myself being hateful, I would correct myself.  It took time, but it worked!!!

You would not stand by and watch anyone else being verbally abused.  Do not allow yourself to be abused either!  You ARE a POWERFUL woman!  Love and honor yourself!  You are POWERFUL and worthy of being treated like the POWERFUL woman that you are every day by YOU!  Set a good example for the little girls and women around you!

Watch this video You Are A Powerful Woman! and then share this post to share the POWER!  Sending love and POWERFUL thoughts your way! Sarah Boucher

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