“Loneliness is Such a Sad Affair”
I wake up and usually a negative thought or two come in uninvited. I get a cup of coffee, sit down with a pen and paper, focus on thoughts that put the negative ones in perspective, and carry on like a champ.
Tonight though, I’m feeling a wee bit discouraged. The remedy? More cowbell.
http://“Survey says…”
More Cowbell probably won’t help here, but it could be a fun distraction. Self Care is what actually came to mind because it can be lathered, rinsed, and repeated as often as needed, but it’s practically bedtime and I’m stubborn. To think of tonight as a gift…when it’s almost over and I feel gloomy–insert eye roll.
I’ve tried to pin down the thoughts causing the gloom. I’ve narrowed the culprits down to fear and loneliness. Ah, loneliness, my old friend. Welcome back, ya filthy animal.
*Since I refuse to look at tonight as a gift (which it is, it’s just almost over)
*or to think about how we’re all connected (which we certainly are)
*or to think about how the only thing I have any control over tonight, is HOW I CHOOSE to be (again–day’s almost over–what’s the point of making a choice to be anything and then going to bed?)
*and I prefer to wallow, instead of being good to myself, what is that I DO want?
Well, I don’t want to wallow.
Crap! I accidentally wrote my way out of my loneliness funk.
What Else Can Be Done About Loneliness?
Before I unknowingly fixed my thinking (it’s that easy!) I tried to figure out what it was that I was looking for outside of myself.
Who am I lonely for or am I just lonely?
Who did I want to magically appear to fix things, to comfort me? What would I want them to say that would ease the internal struggle? Could they say anything that would help or even if they say the right words, would I let them in?
Would praying have helped? I’m sure it would.
“Are you there God? It’s me Fiona. It’s me Fiooonaaaaa…“
This song gets sung around here quite often and popped into my head with the thought of praying.
I probably could’ve used a hug, but I couldn’t think of any one thing that someone else could have said. I’ve had plenty of comforting words said in the past and often they went in one ear and out the other. I found myself a day or two later in need of more comforting words. After years of looking for that comfort from outside sources, I know this is work I must do on my own. It’s no one’s job but mine.
I forget that these “unpleasant” thoughts show up to guide us. They’re here so we can explore them and see what needs to be dealt with. We can feel them, process them, and then carry on.
I’ve been lonely before and it used to be more intense than it was tonight–yay progress! Self Care has been my biggest help in dealing with that longing for a companion, because I’m only dealing with one day at a time, not the past, not the future.
In the present, after I’ve done self care, I’m too busy living my life, taking care of my responsibilities, and working on happy projects to spend much time wallowing over the fact that there’s not a line of Prince Charmings or Young George Clooneys outside my door waiting to take me to the ball or the medical supply closet, if you get my drift.
Even though I was initially bummed that when I sit down to watch an episode of Gilmore Girls later, I won’t be cuddling up next to Charming or Young Clooney or heck–Mature Clooney for that matter, I allowed the loneliness to come. I felt it. I processed it and now I’m back to being okay with where I’m at in my life (Clooney FREE) at 11:00 PM. I’m ready to relax, enjoy 40 minutes in Stars Hollow, and head to bed feeling complete on my own (the way we all need to feel, whether we’re in a relationship or not.)
The other “bad” thought pestering me was fear of the future–uhm…hello, Sarah. It’s the FUTURE. I can’t do any work in the future tonight. What I can do is take a deep breath, recognize that I’m okay in this moment. There’s no crisis at 11:00 PM for me. There’s PLENTY to get stirred up about if I CHOOSE to, but I don’t choose that.
I have the opportunity to get completely present, finish this blog post, relax, and get a good night’s sleep.
Thanks for being part of this Powerful Woman community. If you have any questions about Self Care, my routine, or how it’s assisted me in experiencing a happier now, leave a comment or message me through Facebook. I’ll be happy to share what’s worked for me.
Make yourself a great weekend.
Much love,
Sarah B
