“Now I’m going to write something new.”

As I typed the words into the Facebook messenger box, where I’ve done the majority of my writing the last couple of years, I felt a rush of energy.

Now, I’m going to write something new.

A few years ago, I declared I would be like Hemingway.

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” -Ernest Hemingway

For whatever reason, I’ve still been extremely guarded with what I share.  So guarded that I haven’t been sharing at all. Some of that is to protect my mom.  I love that woman a lot and if I share where I’m at in my thinking and the mistakes I’ve made along the way, she’ll surely worry herself sick.

She and I had a conversation about it one night. I stood by her bed and told her how much I admired other writers who write from their hearts. Mom’s thought was that being guarded is responsible. I’m not fully convinced.  

I realize I don’t need to run amuck and write my personal tabloid, but I do need to be true to who I am.  If that means an overshare here or there to drive home a point or connect with other humans, so be it.

Part of my holding back is because my story is entwined with other peoples’ stories and I want to respect their privacy.

Part of this guardedness is self preservation.  I don’t want haters and trolls puking their wrath on me.

I’m going to have to get over most of this if I’m ever going to be transparent.

I love transparency.  It’s so PURE. It’s so necessary. I appreciate people who live this way. I’m going to work on not being so afraid and when the time is right, I’ll share my mess.

“If you’re going to share widely, make sure you share from your scars, not from your open wounds.” -Glennon Doyle

I almost had myself convinced I’d forgotten how to write.

Now, I’m going to write something new.  

That statement feels like a fresh start.  I’m not just sitting down to write a new post tonight.  I can decide right now to create something new with my life.  

I wrote a post when my ex and I were separating about how my life was going to be different this time as compared to our separation in 2012.  You can read This Time It’s Going To Be Different here.

If I’m being honest, life hasn’t gone according to plan.  I had some great goals back then, but I didn’t keep them in view and ended up losing sight of my vision.

Maybe…maybe I don’t want to write something new tonight.  Maybe I want to focus on what’s already been written…because all of that was and still is my heart’s desire.  And I really believe I can make it happen.

Now I’m going to write something new…