I'm Single Single - I Am A POWERFUL Woman

I’m single single. For the last couple of years I was only “kind of” single. I had a good friend I talked with every day. I spent most of the time that my girls were away, with him. He often felt like more than just my friend but it really wasn’t ever a good fit. It was more than he wanted and not quite enough for me. I considered myself overly attached and FINALLY decided to take a few steps back.

How’s That Working Out For You?

That’s going…okay.

I miss the daily interaction; hanging out, watching movies, playing cards, enjoying a fire, coffee…adult beverages, inside jokes. I miss talking to my friend. We still catch up here and there, but it’s definitely different. It was different from the beginning though. Like I said, it wasn’t ever a great fit, but I’m thankful for his friendship and hope that we’ll always be friends in some capacity.

It’s been an adjustment. I’ve logged hours of Izombie. I’ve read the first and most of the second Hunger Games series. That Katniss–she knows all about boy drama. I’ve spent time with other friends. I’ve started a podcast with a friend that’s coming together v-e-r-y slowly, but hopefully will pick up speed and be a thing I can share with you in a couple of months.

I’m still not plugged into my life..my world, the way I envision. I haven’t fully settled into my apartment. It’s only been 6 months. Should I really be all the way unpacked?

Now that I’m single single, I’m back to trying to make sense of the changes that have taken place in my life.

Yeah Yeah. Good Luck With That.

Single is weird when half of a couple is all you’ve known your entire adulthood.

One of the most annoying things about being single, besides the occasional bouts of intense loneliness, is that everybody (all the single men) look like possibilities. It’s like you can’t help but consider what that potential relationship would look like. Why does that have to be a thought?

My goal is to NOT rush into another daily male friendship–one that could potentially become more.

BUT! what I say I want and I what I end up doing are usually not the same thing.

If I’m being completely transparent here, there’s another “friend” that I talk to fairly often who could easily fill the void. That seems like a dangerous path to take. I really don’t want to have a second “different kind of friend” so I’m taking EXTRA care to focus on finding Sarah and not another hiding place. Someday, I’m sure I’ll want to date, but that’s a way off still. By a way off, I mean at least another week or two.

I kid.

Jealous Much?

Tonight I stood on my almost ex husband’s front porch and said goodnight to my girls. He and his girlfriend of two years, stood up to go inside. We exchanged friendly goodbyes and they went into their home, where they’ll settle down for the night…together–like couples do.

I’m jealous. I’ll admit it. I’m not jealous that they’re together. I’m jealous that I don’t also have a person. I don’t want them to not have each other (most of the time.) I care about that guy that I had five kids with. I want him to be happy. I care about her, as a fellow human. There’s just always seemed to me to be an unfairness about the whole situation. Why do they get each other and I’m left to figure life out on my own?

Because I Say So…

Because…this is the battle I’ve been called to fight. My feelings about this single life are strong. So many of us rush from relationship to relationship instead of figuring out how to be happy alone. I FEEL deep inside that the path for me is to get this lesson down before moving on. It’s a tough one, but I’m going to keep trying. That’s the goal anyway.

I don’t see what I’m looking for in the relationship department occurring for a very long time. By very long time, I mean a month or two. More comedy (but also a loophole, just in case.)

I’ve learned a thing or two during my “kind of” singleness. I know more about what I’m looking for in a partner. I know what feels good and what hurts my spirit. I don’t want to keep hurting myself, looking to someone else to meet my needs, to make me “feel” worthy of love. It’s not good for me and it’s not good for them.

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Anthony De Mello says that love isn’t needy. What we’ve all been taught love is, is bogus. It’s not fireworks and lust. It’s not, “I have to have you or I won’t be happy.” Love is FREE. When we lose our NEED for others is when we’re able to really love.

I want to be able to love with my whole heart, without condition. Love me back or don’t. It won’t matter. I won’t need you to love me back and you won’t feel any pressure from me to do so.

If only I could recap De Mello’s words in a way that do them justice.

Driving home, I had my moment of jealousy. I thought about how I’ll be crawling into bed alone tonight. When I thought about it, I noticed that the thought doesn’t sting as much as it used to. I’m actually more and more okay with it.

Ha! I better be since there’s no one here to change that fact.

I like getting into bed and reading until I can’t hold my eyes open. Turning off the light at whatever ridiculous time it happens to be, and getting right in the middle of the bed. I sleep FANTASTIC alone.

Single, Hold the Mingle for However Long it Takes

Being single isn’t a fate worse than death. It’s an adventure. I can make this whatever I want it to be. I don’t have to look at the loss of “my” story and grieve anymore. That’s in the past.

I have today. Hopefully I’ll have tomorrow too. And hopefully I’ll choose to live it fully present, embracing the gift of creating a new life. I can make a home where I’ll still occasionally sit and watch Izombie, read good books, write more, have company, and care for my family the best I can. It won’t be perfect, but it’ll be mine and I’ll cherish it. I already do.

Check out Wake Up To Life, by Anthony De Mello. He passed away in the late 80s, but everything he said is SO relevant today. I looked for the CD set on Amazon, but they aren’t currently available there. I saw there, that most of the recordings are available on the internet for free as mp3 downloads, and most are on YouTube.